Ache and Intentions
by faketreefinger
Summary: Post 5x24, Grave Danger. Grissom reevaluates his relationship with Sara when Nick's temporary replacement takes an interest in her.
1. Ache: Chapter 1

**Ache (Part One)**

By faketreefinger

_A/N: This is actually posted at Geekfiction, but I figured I would archive it here as well for those that don't necessarily frequent Geekfiction. So, if you feel like you have read this… you aren't going crazy. You probably have._

* * *

CHAPTER ONE

Grissom came home after visiting Nick in the hospital. It had been a week and a half since the incident. He was going to be okay. Well, physically anyway. Who knew how this was going to affect him otherwise. He couldn't imagine being buried alive. Whenever he did, he felt a sharp pain in his chest. The breath left him momentarily and he had to remind himself that he was indeed above ground… and so was Nick. They had gotten to him. He hadn't died.

But he could have.

And it was a random kidnapping. It could have been anyone: Catherine, Warrick, Greg, or Sara. Oh God, if it had been Sara. And the thought pained him because it seemed callous. Nick wasn't any less important to him than Sara. But Sara was important to him in a different way. Yeah, if it had been Sara, he didn't know how he would have handled it. And that thought gave him a sharp pain in his chest, too.

He had been dragging his feet regarding her and had been doing so a long time. He never told her how he felt about her, so how could she know? It had only been a year or so since he figured out he was in love with her. It was bizarre because he had never been in love before, but he knew that's what it was. It was painful information to be confronted with, because he knew he wouldn't, no, he couldn't, pursue it. There was nothing to be done about it. Even if he had the courage, he was sure she had moved on.

But now all of his reasons for not pursuing it seemed trivial. He was constantly being reminded that he wouldn't get these days back.

And they had gotten much closer over the last few months. They seemed to be getting back to their old roots. But it would never really be the same as it was. There were too many things left unsaid that needed to be said… things that neither of them would ever say.

He threw his keys on the counter and picked up the remote to the CD player. He pushed the play button and the sound of Chopin sliced through the silence of the room. He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose then brought his hand down to his left shoulder, squeezing to relieve the tension. He felt tired but sleep was becoming more and more impossible since Nick's kidnapping. All he could think was: _I'm running out of time. Dear God, I'm running out of time._

If he thought about it enough, it would send him into an anxiety attack. His mind would go completely blank and his body would freeze. The air would escape his lungs. It was a completely new sensation, really. He had never thought about his own mortality so much. He saw death practically every day, but it was hitting him.

Work was a good escape from the inevitable anxiety attacks. His mind zoned in on one thing and he didn't think so much about his own life, or lack thereof. But if his mind wandered just a little bit or if Sara walked by and smiled at him, his heart would flutter and he would need fresh air.

He was sitting in his dimly-lit office signing papers and busying himself, not wanting to go home really when he felt a presence enter the room. He knew who it was without looking up. He could feel her.

"Griss, you okay?" Sara asked with a crooked smile.

He looked up before answering and paused, taking her in. She was so beautiful. Everything about her. But she looked tired, herself. He longed to hug her, just hold her and tell her she was alright. But mostly he wanted her to tell him he was alright.

"Griss?"

"Oh, yeah. Fine. Why?" He answered his standard reply.

"No, it's just you seem so out of it. We haven't really spoken about Nick. None of us have," she replied, sitting down on the chair in front of his desk.

"Yeah, I know. You know, he gets out of the hospital the day after tomorrow," Grissom said, leaning back in his chair and taking his glasses off.

"You think he's going to be okay, coming back to work?"

"Well, he _is_ going to take some vacation time," he paused, formulating his thoughts, "You know, Nick is really good at finding the best in situations and moving on. Growing from them."

"I know. It's a pretty admirable trait."

"I agree."

They sat in a comfortable silence for a few minutes. Grissom focused on the pen on his desk. It had 'Lunesta' written on it, with a small butterfly, presumably the logo. He wondered where he got it, and then wondered if he should get some Lunesta so he could sleep at least five hours straight. He snapped out of his reverie and looked up to find Sara staring at him, her eyes soft and kind.

When she didn't look away he asked, "What?"

"You look so tired," she replied simply, not breaking eye contact.

He was rather startled by such a reply. It was so up front. Momentarily, he wanted to break down and tell her just how tired he was. _Tired of being tired. Tired of being such a damn coward. Tired of you not knowing that I love you. I love you._ He wanted to shout it actually, but didn't. _For I am a coward_, he surmised.

"I'm exhausted. I haven't been sleeping that well," he decided to reply. It was honest, at least. At least he didn't say he was fine.

"Me too."

When another moment passed without words, Sara obviously felt like she was wearing out her welcome and got up from the chair.

"Well, I suppose I will see you tonight," she paused, "Wait, I'm off"

"Yeah, I was about to say…" He smiled. Most people look forward to their days off. Not her. Not him, either. It made him smile how alike they were sometimes.

"Then I'll see you the night after," she chuckled. "Have a good day, Grissom. I hope you get to sleep."

"You too," he replied, feeling a bit of a loss as she started to leave. Impulsively he cried out, "Wait!"

"What?" she turned around and furrowed her brow.

"Um… I, uh. I'm not only incredibly tired, but I'm also incredibly hungry."

Sara smiled when he paused, probably wondering why the hell he felt the need to share this with her.

"What I mean is, do you want to get something to eat? With me?"

"Now?"

"Yes. Now."

"Sure, I'm starving," she answered casually, obviously not thrown off a bit by his asking her.

"Okay," he said with a sigh of relief only he could have heard. "Where do you want to go?

"Oh I don't care. The diner across the street is fine with me," she answered, casually still. He wondered why she seemed so cavalier. He had never actually asked her to a meal alone before. Didn't she realize that? He didn't even know if he meant it as a date. He just wanted to be near her.

"That's fine," he agreed even though he wanted to go someplace he didn't always go with their coworkers.

"Okay, I'll meet you there," she smiled and left.

_Okay… what the hell just happened? Am I glad she doesn't seem to think it is a date or am I disappointed?_

He couldn't decide. But the quickening in his pulse should have told him everything.


	2. Ache: Chapter 2

CHAPTER TWO 

He arrived at the diner moments after her and they seated themselves in a booth near the window. A young woman came over and handed them some tattered menus and silverware wrapped tightly in a napkin.

"What can I get you two to drink?" she asked, rather chipper for seven a.m.

"Coffee. Decaff, please," Sara ordered, "Oh, and a water."

"Same here."

The waitress left and they both picked up their menus, even though they always ordered the same thing. And they both knew that. Sara chuckled and Grissom looked over the top of the menu at her with a small smile.

"What are you giggling about?" he asked.

"Why are we looking at the menus? You always order three pancakes and a side of Canadian bacon. I always get one pancake and two eggs," she said shaking her head, but still skimming the words on the menu.

He nodded and smiled at the thought that she noticed this about him, and then realized he had done the same.

"No yolk."

She looked up.

"Huh?"

"You ask for no yolk. You don't like the yolk."

"No, I don't," she said with a smile.

They ordered their food and conversed rather comfortably about just about anything that kept the mood light. Books, movies, food preferences, pets. After about an hour, they were done eating and Sara stifled a yawn.

"Oh look at that, my body thinks I'm tired," she joked.

"Yeah, I guess you should get it to bed before it changes its mind," said with a grin.

The waitress came over with more coffee and sat the check down on the table.

"When you're ready, he'll ring you up over there," she said pointing to the obviously bored cashier a few feet away.

After she walked away, or bounced away rather, Grissom noted, "I think she has been our waitress at least seventeen times before."

"Yeah, we know where to pay," she laughed and scooted out of the booth, grabbing the check.

_Dammit, she grabbed the check. Now do I offer to pay for hers? This is ridiculous._

He grabbed the check from her hand playfully and she looked over at him, raising an eyebrow. Reaching over, she grabbed it back and handed it to the cashier.

"I got the one pancake and two eggs. And one of the coffees of course," she told the young man.

"Okay, $5.75"

She handed him exact change and stepped aside for Grissom to pay.

_Wow, that sucked. I don't think it even crossed her mind that this was a date._

Grissom paid the rest of the bill and turned to Sara.

"Can I at least cover your half of the tip?"

Sara looked at him quizzically as if it just occurred to her that he wanted to pay for her meal in the first place. Grissom realized that his comment came out kind of pissy and he offered her a smile.

_How the hell would she know I really wanted to buy her breakfast? _

"Um, yeah, go crazy," she said, attempting to hide her discomfort with a smile.

He walked over to the table and laid down a few bills. They walked outside in silence, both placing sunglasses on; Grissom walked her to her vehicle.

"Well, this was nice. Let's do it again sometime," she said opening the car door.

"Yeah, yeah, it was nice."

"See you toni—wait, no, I won't. Dammit!" she said with a beautiful little laugh.

_She has no idea what it does to me when she laughs like that. What I would do to be able to kiss her right now._

"Bye, Sara," he said with a smile as she got into her car.

"Later."

He waved as she backed out of the parking spot and then turned onto the street and drove away. Then he moved towards his lonely, stupid car that would take him to his lonely, stupid townhouse. Maybe he would get drunk and try to forget about Sara's laugh and how much of a coward he is. He should have asked her out and made clear that it was a date.

_Should have, could have, would have. I'm obviously too late. She told me once I could be too late by the time I finally made a move. She wasn't kidding around. Did I make a move, though in the first place? Did I mean for this to be a date? If I don't know, how the hell is she suppose to?_

_-------------------------------------- _

"Gil, can you come to my office for a moment?" Ecklie's voice carried over to Grissom as he sat at his desk with his head in paperwork once gain.

"Is it something that can wait, I'm on a roll here, Conrad," Grissom answered irritably, not even bothering to look up.

"No, it isn't something that can wait. The CSI intending to fill in while Nick is on leave is here," Conrad answered with an equally irritable tone.

"Oh, yeah. I'll be there in a minute."

They had been waiting for this fill-in for a week now, which only added to Grissom's frustration. He had been sent from the lab in Atlanta because he was apparently the son of a close friend of the sheriff. The sheriff insisted that this guy was perfect for the demanding workload of Las Vegas. And once the sheriff insisted, there wasn't much wiggle room.

He would be filling in for about a month while Nick took some leave. Nick really didn't want to be out of work for so long, but his mother and father made a big deal about it and Grissom assured him that it would be a good idea.

Ecklie had conceded to Grissom's request to have his old team back. He was grateful, really, but it didn't mean he liked Conrad Ecklie any more than he did before. After all, they were split up because of him in the first place.

Catherine seemed more than happy to relinquish her supervisory position because she got to see Lindsay even less working the swing shift.

He entered the office and his eyes landed on the young man seated across from Ecklie.

"Here he is," Ecklie said, waving his hand in Grissom's general vicinity, "Gil this is Jonathan Garret from the Atlanta crime lab. John, this is Gil Grissom. He's going to be your supervisor on the graveyard shift."

John stood up immediately and smiled genuinely. He was tall and fit. Handsome, but not in an obnoxious way. He had black hair and very light green eyes. He was dressed in a suit and tie, which only added to his good looks.

"Dr. Grissom, it is so good to meet you. I've read a lot of your stuff. I'm really honored to work with you."

Grissom was impressed by his politeness because it didn't seem affected at all. He smiled at him and shook his hand.

"Please, drop the 'Dr'. Just 'Grissom' will do"

"Oh, alright. Well, I go by John."

"Okay, John. Has Conrad already shown you around?"

"Actually I was leaving that for you. I have to get going," Ecklie responded, standing up and gathering his briefcase. "Nice meeting you John. I'm sure you'll fit in well here."

"Thanks. Nice meeting you too, Mr. Ecklie."

"Come on, I'll give you the tour and introduce you to the people you'll be working with over the next month," Grissom said, ushering him out the door.

He showed him where the different labs were located and introduced him to the night shift staff. Then escorted him to the morgue where he introduced him to Dr. Robbins.

It was nearing the end of shift and the rest of the team started rolling into the lab. It was a slow night with nothing really serious so no one was in the position to have to pull doubles.

He introduced him to Greg, Catherine, and Warrick who were in the layout room working on their case. They liked him.

Everyone liked him. Overall, John Garrett was a seemingly pleasant guy with interesting things to say. He wondered if Sara would like him. He was her age and they would probably have a lot in common. He wanted to make things as easy as he could. Nick's absence would surely be felt and it would help to have someone easy to work with while he was gone.

Grissom was actually ready to leave when seven o'clock rolled around. They walked down the hall, and he brought an end to the tour.

"Well, I'm glad you made it here safely, John. Night shift officially starts here at eleven. Do you work grave in Atlanta?"

"No, I'm a day walker actually," he said with a laugh.

"It's going to take some getting used to, I can promise you that. As you can guess, though, Vegas comes alive at night. It's rarely going to be boring. I assure you."

"Can't wait. I've been out of work for only five days but I'm already starting to feel restless," John replied.

"I know what you mean. I'll see you tonight. Try to get some rest," Grissom said with a smile, ducking into his office. He felt very comfortable with the young man.

_He's a likable fellow. He has a certain charisma. This won't be so bad._


	3. Ache: Chapter 3

CHAPTER THREE 

Grissom found himself missing Sara more than he was prepared for, and he was excited to see her when the next shift started. A lot of times, he dreaded seeing her because of the energy he had to put into not staring at her or touching her or flirting with her altogether. It exhausted him some nights. It was energy he simply didn't have to waste anymore. It was energy he wanted to put into other things.

She walked into the break room and smiled at him as he looked up from the crossword puzzle. She didn't even notice that he put his puzzle down completely just to look at her. He didn't notice either. She was wearing jeans and a plain, long sleeve maroon shirt. Simple.

_Yeah, simply adorable. _

"What?" she asked with a curious smile.

He suddenly realized he was staring at her with an idiotic smile.

_Dumbass._

"Nothing," he replied, trying to wipe the smile off. "How was your night off?"

"Booooring," she drawled out comically. "I went and saw Nick, though."

Grissom nodded and Sara continued.

"He said he feels stupid for taking a whole month off. And he was wondering if the guy filling in for him had arrived yet. Of course he hasn't so I had to tell him that and he feels bad, like he's leaving us high and dry."

"Actually, he arrived yesterday morning," he replied matter-of-factly.

"Thank God," she said, filling a mug with coffee. "Where is he?"

Before Grissom could answer, John ambled through the door of the break room looking rather tired with obvious bags under his eyes. He had abandoned the suit and tie look. Instead he was wearing a light blue dress shirt and slacks. His disposition was still cheery however. His eyes landed on Sara immediately. Grissom could swear John's eyes brightened at the sight of her.

_Maybe it's just the light._

"Perfect timing," Grissom said gesturing towards John. "This is John Garrett from the crime lab in Atlanta. John this is Sara Sidle, one of our seasoned criminalists. Also part of our team."

"Nice to meet you, Miss Sidle."

Sara grinned uncontrollably as he took her hand. Her grin turned into a chuckle and if Grissom didn't know any better, he would have said she was a bit smitten with him. She might have even been blushing.

_Wait, do I know better? No, I don't._

"Nice to meet you, too. You aren't going to keep calling me 'Miss Sidle' are you?"

"Not if you don't want me too. I'll call you whatever you want," he said with a smirk and a wink.

_That was so cliché…_

She sniggered a bit and replied, "Just Sara's fine."

_Oh yeah, she's definitely blushing. Not good._

"Okay."

They paused for what seemed like an eternity, just grinning at each other.

_Ugh. Perfect timing, indeed. _

Grissom stared dumbly and adjusted his brow after he realized he was frowning. He ran his hand through his beard as if he could physically push the frown off. No, he couldn't.

They were flirting. There was an unmistakable spark between them, the kind that happens instantly or not at all. This wasn't just in his head, either. Sure, he had a tendency to get jealous when men showed interest in her. But it was rarely men that he worked closely with, so he usually shook it off easily. He didn't know why that was. Perhaps, somewhere deep down, he still believed she was carrying a torch for him. But he would never admit that to himself. It sounded too cocky.

Not to mention, if he believed she was over him, it was a good reason not to make a move.

_This won't be so easy. I'm going to have to send them out together. Alone. They'll bond and he'll probably ask her out and she'll say yes because he's handsome and charismatic. And she's lonely. _

Thoughts of them out on a date turned into thoughts of them kissing which turned into thoughts of them rolling around on her couch. He shook his head, literally, and picked up the mug of coffee. He took a big mouthful of the liquid and forced it down as if washing down the distaste his thoughts left in his mouth.

They started to converse loosely about this and that and suddenly Grissom felt ridiculously like a third wheel. Now _that_ was in his head. He knew it, but it didn't change anything.

He picked up the pieces of paper and thumbed through them. There were two crimes on the docket so far that needed CSI attention: a breaking and entering in Summerlin and a dead woman found in the men's bathroom of a club on the strip. He could give them either one, it didn't actually matter. But if he gave them the breaking and entering, it would give them less time together. He hated that he was thinking that way.

_This is ridiculous. They are going to be working together for at least a month. Whatever happens, you can't stop it. Well, yes you can try. You can ask her out before he gets a chance to. Ask her out, you coward. Kiss her and tell her you love her. Do it right now, I dare you._

Grissom took another swig of his coffee and pretended it was whiskey.

"Okay, well, I have an assignment for you both," Grissom said, interrupting them. "There was a breaking and entering at this address in Summerlin," he handed the slip to Sara. "Stolen hand gun and some very expensive and irreplaceable jewelry. The owner thinks it might be his neighbor. Check them out first."

"Yay. Rich people," Sara said jokingly, looking over the slip of paper.

Grissom merely shrugged and got up to put his mug in the sink.

"What's the other one?" John asked.

"DB in a club off the strip. If you two catch a break on the B&E and there's nothing else, you can help us out on this one," Grissom replied.

Sara's brows furrowed and she rolled her eyes a little. She seemed to disapprove of his choices. He pretended it was because she really didn't like John, but he was far too perceptive of human behavior to actually believe that.

_Yeah, right._

"I guess we better get going then, John. I'll drive," Sara said politely.

With that, Sara and John disappeared from the break room and Grissom made his way to his office grab his briefcase. Shift didn't officially start for another fifteen minutes and he could head on over to the club himself. He was just always early. So was Sara. And apparently so was John.

He called Catherine and Warrick to relay to them in which club the body was found

---

He arrived at the scene at about the same time Warrick did.

"You didn't bring the new guy with you?" Warrick asked.

"He's with Sara working a B&E," Grissom said as they made their way into the club.

"Oh, how'd she like him?"

"They seem to get along quite nicely, why?"

"No, I'm just wondering. He's a nice guy. Seems like Sara's type," Warrick replied with a shrug.

_What does he mean Sara's "type?" How does he know what her type is?_

"You only spoke with him for all of five minutes, Warrick. How could you deduce all of that?"

"All of that? All I said was he was a nice guy," Warrick replied with a laugh.

"What do you mean, 'Sara's type'? What's 'Sara's type' about him?"

_Shut up, Gil. You're being obvious._

"Nevermind, Griss. Forget I said that… Hey, Jim!" Warrick greeted Brass as they approached the men's room door which was taped off with police tape.

Grissom contemplated what Warrick said for just a moment and rolled his eyes as he ducked under the tape with the two men.


	4. Ache: Chapter 4

CHAPTER FOUR 

Grissom was lost in thought, hovering over the table in the layout room. The DB in the men's room of the night club would probably be an easy solve. There was evidence everywhere. Shift was almost over and pulling a double wouldn't be necessary, nor would it be possible. Grissom was tired beyond all measure due to the fact he hadn't been sleeping sufficiently.

"Hey!" Warrick's voice boomed as he entered the room. Grissom's head snapped up and he peered over his glasses. "Brass called me; he said you wouldn't answer your phone. We got an address on the vic's boyfriend. You coming?"

_I didn't answer my phone? It's been in my pocket the whole time._

"You go ahead; I'm going to wait for the trace results. Take Catherine if she's done eating," Grissom replied.

Warrick nodded and left the room. Grissom took his phone out of his pocket and saw four missed calls. Two were from Brass, the other two from Sara.

"Dammit," he said aloud, pressing three on his speed dial. It rang twice and Sara's voice sounded on the other end.

"Hey!"

"Hey, Sara. You called me?"

"Yeah, I did. Like an hour ago. John and I finished up at the breaking and entering. Apparently, the hand gun was stolen a few days ago by the neighbor who believes very strictly in gun control. He buried it in his back yard," she said with a chuckle, "Hey stop those are mine!" she shouted with a laugh.

"What's yours?" Grissom asked, confused.

"Sorry, Griss. Nothing. John's stealing my fries. Didn't mean to scream in your ear."

She sounded so light and cheerful. She hadn't sounded like that in so long. Grissom's heart skipped a beat and he was overwhelmed with a feeling of jealousy. It was so strong that he couldn't even deny it himself or chalk it up into something else. This irritated him greatly.

"Anyway, on with it…" he said, his irritation showing through his tone. He immediately cursed himself for it. After all, far be it for her to have a good time. She rarely did, even he knew that.

"Right. Sorry. He also took the jewelry because he said it reminded him of his grandmother. Apparently, he left several hundred dollars in its place which the owners conveniently forgot to mention. I got his prints off the drawer the jewelry and handgun were in," she paused and huffed out a small laugh. "I'm sorry, _we_ got his prints." Grissom rolled his eyes as Sara continued.

" Anyway, case solved. I'll fill out the report later. I was actually calling to see what you were doing."

_What I'm doing? That's interesting… why does she want to know?_

Grissom couldn't force back a smile.

"What I'm doing? Why do you want to know?" Grissom asked, slightly flirtatiously. It was lost on Sara. Hell, it was lost on him; he hadn't meant to be flirtatious. It just happened.

"Yeah. Well, you know, you said we could help with your case if we finished up with the breaking and entering. Or maybe you have another assignment for us?"

Grissom's smile faded. The unhappy, bitter side of Grissom wanted make her feel bad about having fun when there were crimes to be solved. But that was only because she was having fun with another man. She deserved to have fun more than anyone he knew, but he would rather it be with him. Instead, he bit down his disappointment and figured he would try to persuade her to go home and relax.

"Oh. Yeah. Well, no, not really. It's been a quiet night. Catherine, Warrick, and I are already handling this pretty well. Why don't you two call it a night when you're done with your paperwork?"

"Grissom, I'm really not tired. I don't know about John, but I'd really like to give you a hand at least until another case comes up."

Grissom rolled his eyes and smiled at her persistence. She probably wasn't tired.

"Shift is over in only a few hours, Sara. Why don't you just come back to the lab and we'll discuss it when you get here."

"Yeah, yeah. I know how you hate to talk on the phone," she said. He could see her smiling and his heart once again skipped a beat. "Later."

With that, he flipped his phone shut and tried to focus on the evidence laid out in front of him. But it was of little use. Sara was on his mind…

_--------------------------------------_

Grissom was once again startled when someone knocked on his office door. He had closed it so he could listen to his music without headphones. Opera wasn't exactly popular in the halls of the Las Vegas Crime Lab.

"Come in," he said without looking up.

The doorknob turned and Sara walked in hesitantly.

"Hey, Grissom."

"Hi. I was starting to wonder what happened to you. It's been an hour and a half since we hung up," Grissom said with a smile and as lightly as possible. He didn't want her to think he was constantly worrying over her. Some people might like that, but not Sara.

"Yeah, Sorry. John and I just got lost in paperwork. John went on home. He was pretty tired; I guess he isn't used to the night owl lifestyle yet…"

Grissom's smile died as he realized what that meant. They were probably talking and goofing off. That's why time escaped them. All they had to do was write up a report. It was an easy case. It would take thirty minutes _at most. _Once again, Grissom was suddenly angry, but was wise enough to keep it in check. In fact, he stared at her.

_Which is probably worse. I should stop._

He nodded half-heartedly and wondered if he should steer the conversation away from John or try to gauge how she felt about him. Sara decided for him.

"So… I'm still happy to help," she added with a bright smile. Grissom was still staring at her, now completely lost in thought about how adorable her gap was. "Griss?"

He closed his eyes and reopened them, sighing.

"Sorry. I tranced out. You were saying?"

"I'm free to help you with your case. Or another for that matter."

"There aren't any others right now. Shift is over in about twenty minutes, you know."

"I know."

"So, you're done. Go on home and relax."

"I don't feel like it. I've had enough sleep," she said cheerily and sat down across from him.

Her mood made him so happy. He loved seeing her like this, cheery and eager. It had been a while since she was like this. He only had disdain for the source of her newfound energy. Well, that wasn't fair. It wasn't John's fault. He was a nice guy. Apparently, he was "Sara's type." Gil grunted inwardly, and smiled at her.

"Well, I need to relax. I'm going home and so are Warrick and Catherine. So no one will be here to catch you up. Plus, you need to save up your overtime. It's only the beginning of the month," Grissom told her with a serious expression. He watched as she pursed her lips and the cheery expression faded.

"Okaaaaay," she dragged out while she exhaled and smiled sadly.

"Something the matter, Sara?" he asked with honest concern. Her mood seemed to drop almost instantly.

"No," she stated simply, as she extracted herself from the chair and stood up.

"No?" He looked over his glasses and folded his fingers together.

"No, Grissom." She looked at his still questioning gaze. He wasn't buying it. She sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose then continued. "I just…" she paused and shoved her hands in her pockets. "I haven't been able to get comfortable at home, you know? At least when I'm here, I'm… comfortable."

"I know what you mean," Grissom said reluctantly.

_Hell, it won't hurt me to share a little. _

Sara smiled at him, but the sadness never left her eyes. "I knew you would."

They stared at each other for what seemed hours to Grissom. He wasn't uncomfortable. In fact, he felt rather at ease. He was going to continue talking about how confined he felt. About the sharp pains in his chest. The anxiety attacks. He really meant to, but he couldn't. The way they were looking at each other seemed to require complete silence. He sighed and without even realizing it, spoke.

"Would you like to get breakfast with me… again? We can talk about it."

Sara pursed her lips and nodded, not taking her eyes away.

"Come on," he said as he gathered up his belongings. "And let's go somewhere else other than that diner. I'm sick of it to be honest."

"Oh, God. I know where you're coming from," she responded with a laugh as she got up from the chair.

"I'll drive," he offered.

"Alright."

_--------------------------------------_

While they were walking out to the parking lot, Grissom looked over to Sara with as cool an expression he could muster. Truth be told, he was anything but cool. But he was also nothing if not a genius at playing it.

"So, where did you and John eat earlier?"

She paused in thought, not at all thrown by his curiosity. Though, it wasn't really the type of information Grissom cared about. It just wouldn't be important…normally. He wouldn't have asked if she had been out with Greg.

"Uh… it was. Wait, I can't remember the name. Some burger joint. It was pretty good, though. Cheap."

"You don't eat burgers," he stated as they climbed into the automobile.

"Noooo, they had veggie burgers," she told him with a bright smile that he couldn't help but return.

"Oh. Never had a veggie burger."

"You should try one. You might like it."

"What's the point when I can eat the real thing?" He turned and grinned.

"Well, red meat is not all that good for you. And if you find that a veggie burger is a suitable substitute then…"

"I doubt that."

"You never know until you try."

Grissom pondered that statement. Sure, they were talking about veggie burgers, but it was a philosophy on life he thought about constantly. In fact, he had put it into action more than a few times in his life. He had done some pretty eccentric, exciting things. He ate a snake, once. That was pretty gross, actually. He went sky diving his sophomore year in college and thus his love of thrill was born. Roller coasters were more practical, but he bungee jumped a few times. But even then, when he was so young and far less jaded, he found it exceedingly difficult to take chances with women. His heart had a wall built around it not one woman had found a way to crack.

Until he met Sara. It cracked when he met her and somewhere between meeting her and now, he had fallen head over heals in love with her. The wall was still there. All she had to do was lean on it a bit and he was sure it would crumble completely. He was starting to wish she would just take out her sledge hammer. He didn't seem to be able to will the wall to come down on its own.

_You never know until you try. How would you feel about never knowing, Gil? Never is a loooong time. _

His mind was rapidly being made up. He didn't know how he was going to do it, but he wanted desperately to try. There might be plenty of reasons why he shouldn't, but he knew there were infinite reasons why he should.

_Sky diving was intimidating as hell and I loved it._

"Yeah…" he said absent mindedly.

"So where are you taking us?"

"Somewhere with veggie burgers," he said with a grin.

She smiled back and laughed. God, he loved it when she laughed.


	5. Ache: Chapter 5

CHAPTER FIVE 

When he arrived back home, he was feeling quite a bit more relaxed mentally, but his body felt even more drained. He concluded that is was time for a decent amount of sleep so he rid himself of everything but his boxer shorts and collapsed on his bed. His body was tired, but his mind was racing. He couldn't stop thinking about Sara. Breakfast had gone well. She had let him pay, but they hadn't talked about it. To him, it was a date but he wasn't sure if it was to her or not. He could have asked but he couldn't get up the courage.

_I will. In fact, I'm going to talk to her right when I get up. I'm going to her house. Yeah, that's what I'll do. I have a lot of things to say to her. I'm just gonna go for it._

He drifted off into a deep sleep right in the middle of his thoughts. Of course, he dreamed about Sara. But that was nothing new.

When he awoke, it was already dark. He looked at his watch and cursed aloud. It was already nine. He had slept for about eleven hours.

_Wow, I definitely needed that. But Sara's probably getting ready for work. Plus, I don't know how long we're going to talk. I have a lot to say, though I don't even know for sure how I'm going to spit it out._

He felt a sudden surge of confidence and scooted off the bed. He took a quick shower and threw on some clean clothes. Grabbing a sandwich, he made his way out the door and on his way to Sara's apartment. When he arrived, he sat outside in his car thinking about what to say.

_Should I tell her I love her, or would that be too much? Maybe I should just tell her I want to spend more time with her, see what happens. But maybe she needs to know just how serious I am. She needs to know that she is all I think about most of the time and when she comes in a room, my stomach does flips. That I find reasons to be near her. That I can't imagine my life without her in it and I have been a stupid man. I've been a coward. She needs to know all of that._

He got out of the car and found that he had a nervous stomach. He had never declared love to someone before and wasn't sure how to do it. And then there was her reaction. How would she take this news, especially if she had moved on? He didn't want to think about her moving on, because he was afraid he would get right back into his car and leave.

Walking up the few flights of stairs, he was reminded of the last time he had come to her apartment. He loved her even then. It had torn him apart inside to see her so sad, so defeated.

But this time, he was going to pour his heart out to her. And hopefully no one would be sad. He flexed his hands and let out a long sigh. He raised his hand and before he could knock, the door flew open. Grissom and Sara both jumped at the sudden sight of each other.

"Oh my God!" Sara exclaimed, "Grissom, what the hell are you doing here?"

"Sorry…"

She laughed and grabbed her chest in exaggeration.

"No, don't be sorry. You scared me, that's all."

Grissom shrugged and looked her over. She looked pretty in a pair of black slacks and white v-neck shirt. Her hair was left slightly curly. He liked it when it was curly. But he also noticed she had her purse and keys in her hand.

"Oh, you're leaving," he stated instead of asked because it was obvious…

_Damn it, all. This is so not how I wanted this to go._

He started to feel very self-conscious and shoved his hands in his pockets.

"Yeah. Um…" she looked back at her apartment and back at him with an uncomfortable expression.

"I should have called first…"

"No, I mean… well, I was just going to get some dinner."

"Oh," he paused and thought it over. If she was going alone, he could ask to join her. It would be a good opportunity. But if she wasn't…

"Are you, uh… are you grabbing something by yourself or with company?" he ran his hand over his beard and looked down at the cement. "I just wanted to talk to you about something."

She didn't answer him right away. Instead, she sighed and turned around to close the door to her apartment then turned back around to face him.

_I'm ten shades of red right now, I can feel it. _

"John and I are grabbing something before work," she finally said with a poignant expression on her face. "But I can tell him I can't make it…"

Grissom squeezed his eyes shut and was very aware how obvious he was acting. He was obviously disappointed that she was on her way out with another man. She could see it. He was sure of it. Ten minutes ago, he would have wanted her to. Now, all he wanted to do was crawl back in his shell.

"No, don't do that. There will be plenty of time for us to talk. Go, have a good time," he said and tried his best to smile, though he was sure it looked very sad.

He could feel the sadness seeping out of his pores and he wondered if Sara could smell it. She could see it. No way she couldn't. The last thing he wanted was her pity. The thought of her pitying him made his stomach sick.

"Grissom…"

"Really, it's okay," he interrupted. "It's fine. Later. We'll talk later. After work or something."

She smiled and sighed.

Finally she spoke, still smiling. "You're acting strange."

"Am I? No, I just needed to discuss some things with you. Honestly, they can wait. Come on, I don't want to keep you from John," he said as he ushered her down the steps.

_Tell her! They can't wait, you dumbass. She's going out with another guy. Where is that confidence you were exuding ten minutes ago?_

"Okay. If you're sure, Grissom."

_Her persistence isn't what it used to be. _

A few years ago she would have pushed him because let's face it, he was acting very strange. Maybe that's what he wanted. For her to push him. Maybe he needed that. Because at least that would have meant she was interested or curious why he was showing up at her home out of the blue. That was strange in itself.

"I'll see you in a few hours," he said and got into his car. He was playing it cool now.

"Yeah, see you then Griss," she muttered with a confused grin. She shook her head and opened her car door as he drove off.

He was embarrassed, angry, and God help him, so in love.

"Damn it!" he yelled at himself and hit the steering wheel with his fist.


	6. Ache: Chapter 6

CHAPTER SIX. 

He was leaning up against the counter where the coffee pot sat, listening to Greg, Catherine, and Warrick chat. He was in his own head thinking about life and death and how to be happy again. Thoughts of happiness generally merged into his thoughts of Sara. He wondered if he would ever kiss her or touch her. If he would ever make love with her. Or even sit on the couch and read…just be comfortable with her.

He wondered if he could ever get over her and be happy with someone else. He went on dates, sure. Nice women. Attractive women. Women he felt slightly relaxed around because he knew he didn't love them and he wouldn't end up with them. They would go home and roll their eyes at how detached he was and he would go home and think about how it might not be so bad to be alone the rest of his life. He hadn't had sex in a long time. He couldn't bring himself to do it because he knew would be thinking about Sara the entire time.

He had it bad for Sara. It was painful, but it made him feel alive, he had to admit. Sometimes he wished he didn't love her but most of the time he was glad he did because he at least got to feel what it was like to love _someone_. It made him feel human. Indeed, she had found a nice, cozy place in the back of his mind and in the middle of his heart. She wasn't going anywhere so he couldn't either. Hell, he didn't want to.

The whole situation made him uneasy because he was so good at pushing those feelings aside in the past, but lately they were making their way to the front of his thoughts. He wondered if people could tell.

It seemed that Sara didn't. But again, he didn't know what was worse: her being able to tell he was acting different around her, or her not even caring.

"Griss, you okay?" Warrick called out, snapping him out of his trance.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"You sure? You look a little spacey," Catherine pointed out.

"Like I said, I'm fine," he snapped defensively.

Everyone turned to the door and John and Sara walked in. Sara had been laughing and John had a smile that looked like it was permanently planted on his face. Grissom's mood sunk even lower, if it could have.

"Hey guys," Sara said taking a seat beside Catherine. Everyone noticed her good mood and the fact that she and the new CSI had been spending time together. They had obviously had a good time. No one acknowledged her greeting and she looked around the room then back at John. Her eyes shot to Grissom who was staring at the floor.

"Everything okay?" she asked, confused about their behavior.

"Sara. What's up?" Greg finally spoke up. "Hey, John."

"Hello. How is everyone?" he asked, trying to ignore the awkwardness that had swept the room the moment he and Sara walked in.

Everyone except Grissom muttered "fine" and "okay" in unison.

"How do you like Vegas so far, John?" Catherine asked, trying to make conversation.

"It's interesting to say the least. Different than Atlanta, that's for sure."

"I can only imagine. Never been to Atlanta myself," said Catherine.

"You been to any casinos yet?" asked Greg.

"No, not yet. Doubt I will to be honest," John responded with a short laugh.

"Yeah, that's what I said," Greg replied.

"Okay, everyone. Work to do," Grissom spoke up rather tersely. "Sara, you'll be working with me and Warrick. Greg you have a burglary at a convenient store. Get in touch with Detective Vega. He'll tell you where it is."

"Whatcha got for me?" Catherine asked.

"A man was found hanging from his balcony. CSI was requested. Suspicious circumstances, apparently. You and John take care of that."

With that, John and Catherine dispersed from the break room and so did Greg.

"Well, I'm going to check up on DNA," Warrick said and left the room. It was just Sara and Grissom now. He wasn't looking at her. He was idly reading a piece of paper, not at all absorbing the information. He could feel her eyes on him.

"You knooow," she started, "since Catherine was already working the case with you, John and I can go work the other one," Sara suggested.

"Well, I think it's a good idea for John to work with everyone. You know, get to know us and how we work. That's all. I already talked to Catherine about it. She was fine about being taken off the case."

"Oh. Okay."

Grissom waited a second and asked, "You like working with John?"

"Yeah. He's a hard worker. I could get used to having him around," she replied casually.

Grissom took this in a way completely unrelated to work.

"I'm surprised you didn't pair him up with yourself first, to be honest," Sara added.

Grissom wasn't. He did it on purpose. Truth be told, he liked John. But he knew something was going on with him and Sara and he was jealous. There were no two ways about it. He didn't want to start disliking John because of personal issues. Nothing bothered Grissom more than when he allowed personal issues to seep into work ones. And it had been happening more and more lately.

So he ignored the comment because he couldn't think of anything to say. Instead, he started discussing the case and caught her up. They worked for hours side by side. She didn't surprise him. She was able to change gears instantly and was completely professional. She didn't once mention their interesting run-in earlier that night. He didn't ask her how her dinner went. By the time morning came and shift was over, they had spent hours together. Paradoxically, he found it easier to focus on work when Sara was near him. At least then he knew she wasn't off having a good time with John instead of him.

But he was still acting strange. She caught him staring intently while they were scanning phone records and eating "lunch." Sara lifted her eyes from the paper to find him watching her. It wasn't creepy. His eyes were filled with certain adoration. He didn't look away. He wasn't embarrassed.

"I like to watch you work sometimes," he admitted without her asking.

Smiling, she took a sip of her water and closed the cap.

"There you go acting strange again," she finally said. She wasn't smiling, but her face was relaxed.

He wasn't put off or surprised by her comment. He only shrugged and maintained his gaze.

"I'm a strange guy."

"This is a different strange."

"Different how?" he shot her a wry grin and she opened her mouth to speak.

He was willing her to bring it up. It would make it so much easier for him. Just then with a soft knock on the door, John entered the room.

_Once again, perfect timing. _

"Sorry to interrupt."

"You're fine," Sara said sweetly.

"What's up, John?" Grissom asked, irritated.

"I'm just wondering if you two are gonna call it quits on time or not?"

Sara looked at Grissom, but his face was completely unreadable.

"Why?" Grissom asked.

"I'm starving and was wondering if anyone else would like to grab something to eat with me. Take a break, maybe?" John offered with a smile, sickeningly genuine.

_Anyone else? Yeah. Sara. That's who you mean. I hate when people don't say what they mean. Well, I do it all the time._

"We just ate, sorry John," Sara apologized.

"Oh. Okay. Well, I'll see you guys tonight then," he said as he retreated. But before he completely left the doorway, he winked at Sara. She pursed her lips and dropped her head bashfully. When he was completely out in the hallway, Sara raised her head and jumped up from the chair.

"I'll be right back, Griss," she told him and rushed out the room.

She came back with a smile plastered on her face and sat back in the chair. Grissom's stomach turned. How much more of this would he have to endure? If he didn't speak up soon, he'd be seeing a lot of it. He was sure. One of two things would happen: he would tell Sara how he felt and Sara would accept him consequently denying John's advances. Or, and this one hurt, she would tell him it was too late, but she would be generous to make sure she and John didn't flirt in front of him.

Either way he rolled the dice: he needed to tell her.

But he didn't. She didn't bring it up and neither did he.

Days turned into a week. A week turned into a week and a half. Two weeks.

He thought he would never get the courage to talk to Sara about their relationship until one day they were on their way back from an interview. John had been off that day and on the short break the car ride had allowed, Sara made a phone call. He wasn't sure why he automatically assumed it was John she was calling. He just knew. Besides, he was a firm believer than in some cases, it was better to be pessimistic.

_You're either right or pleasantly surprised. _

"You mind if I make a quick phone call?" she had asked Grissom first before calling. She was probably trying to be as clandestine as possible. He couldn't decide if that made him thankful or annoyed him. He chose the former.

"Uh, no. Go ahead," he lied.

She dialed the number and waited for him to answer.

_At least he isn't on speed dial yet._

She waited for a few seconds and flipped the phone shut.

"Not answering," she muttered to herself.

"Good," Grissom blurted out unintentionally. She turned to look at him and he stared straight ahead at the road. His ears were burning and his eyes were wide.

_I cannot believe I just said that. _

His mind began going over the best way to play it off.

"What?" she asked with a laugh, "I'm sorry, did you just say 'Good'?"

Grissom sighed and gripped the steering wheel. He probably could have played it off… if his heart had been in it.

_Well, now is as good a time as any… here goes._

"I've missed my chance, haven't I?" he said as evenly and clearly as he could so he wouldn't have to repeat it. He didn't look at her.

"Your chance?" she asked, confused still. She did look at him.

She didn't get it. He wished briefly she could read his mind because words didn't seem to be working. He didn't know how to make it clearer. Or he did, but he forgot at the moment.

"Forget it. Forget I said that," he said quickly.

_Chicken._

Luckily, or perhaps unluckily, Sara's curiosity was piqued completely and her persistence was back in full force.

"No, no, I don't think so. Explain, Grissom. Your chance to what?" she urged impatiently.

He stopped at a stop sign and checked the rearview mirror to see if anyone was behind him. There wasn't. His words came back to him and he felt suddenly at ease. It was probably brought on by her sudden interest in his advances. He put the car in park and turned to her, his gaze steady and serious.

"My chance to, uh…" he attempted to swallow the lump in his throat, "my chance to… to know you, Sara," he finally said. If only he could have done it without stuttering. But at least he got it out.

_Strange how that wasn't at all what I intended to say… but that's pretty much how I feel so… good. It's out there now._

His eyes were as soft as his voice and he realized he was biting his lip, perhaps a little too hard. She was staring dumbly at him, as if trying to put together a puzzle in her head. She seemed to figure out what he was saying and her eyebrows shot up. Her jaw dropped slightly. If he hadn't been staring so hard, he wouldn't have noticed. But she didn't look away. Neither did he.

As if on cue, Grissom's cell phone resonated throughout the vehicle, which seemed to be getting smaller and smaller. It sounded loud and offensive like an alarm tell them time was up. Moment over. He clenched his jaw and looked at the caller ID. Brass.

"Grissom," he answered, his tone sharp.

Right after that, Sara's phone started ringing. She answered it, her voice a lot nicer than his had been. Grissom put the car in drive and listened to the directions Brass was giving him.

Sara threw him a questioning look and Grissom whispered, "Brass got the warrant."

She nodded and continued talking. Grissom was glad Brass was yapping in his ear because he didn't want to overhear Sara talking to John. It was obviously John. Grissom could tell by the look on her face.

By the time they arrived at their destination, Grissom had hung up. But Sara hadn't. He exited the car and walked up to Brass who was waiting by the mailbox of a small, run-down house. Sara caught up and greeted Jim.

"Hey, kiddo. You're looking cheery today," Jim said to Sara as they walked up to the door.

Sara shot Grissom a look that he couldn't discern. It was a mix between apologetic and distressing. Either way, it was not at all cheery. Brass continued walking and Sara hung back a little and edged over to Grissom who slowed his pace with her.

"I just wanted to let you know that… if you hadn't answered the phone, I wouldn't have either," Sara told him in a low voice, her face unchanging.

Grissom didn't know what to say. That sounded like good news, but it didn't really tell him anything. And now wasn't the time to discuss it. Now, he would be picking that statement apart for the next few hours until they got a chance to finish their conversation.

When Grissom didn't have a response, Sara continued. "That's all I wanted to say. We'll talk later." She grabbed his forearm and squeezed lightly. It felt like his arm had caught fire. He had to roll up his sleeve.

"Of course," Grissom responded in a whisper as they caught up with Brass.


	7. Ache: Chapter 7

CHAPTER SEVEN 

"You feel like getting some breakfast?" Catherine asked Grissom as she walked into his office.

Grissom looked up from his paperwork and removed his glasses.

"Um, I doubt it to be honest."

"Not hungry?" She plopped down on a chair.

"I have plans."

"Really?" she asked and her eyebrows raised in question.

"Yes, really."

_Sara might walk in here any minute. I need to talk to her. As soon as possible. Catherine needs to go._

"Hot date?"

_Shit. Go, please, go…_

"No."

"You aren't going to tell me are you?"

"No."

"I'll leave you alone, then."

_God is ever merciful._

"Have a good day, Catherine."

"You too."

Gil picked up his pen and dropped his head to his papers once again. She got up to leave, but paused at the door and turned around.

"Gil?"

"Yeah," he answered without even looking up.

"Is everything okay with you and Sara?"

Grissom's head snapped up. "Why do you ask?"

"She's been spending a lot of time with John lately. I just wasn't sure how you felt about that," Catherine stated, a hint of sympathy in her voice that made Grissom just a little bit angry.

"Not my business," he said, a bit more hostile than he had intended.

She closed the door moved back towards him, sitting down again. Grissom cursed inwardly.

"Well, no. But it's just you and me talkin' here," she responded and offered him a kind smile.

Grissom appreciated Catherine's concern more than he let on. He always did. It was nice to have someone care about you. But he didn't like talking about his feelings. That's just the kind of person he was. Catherine tried so hard to get him to open up, but he was never comfortable with it. It wasn't that he didn't enjoy talking with her. And every now and then he would surprise her with a tid bit about his past or a small personal revelation. But he didn't like talking about Sara, or any other woman he was involved with. Simple as that.

"Catherine, really. Sara is free to date whomever she pleases," he said, placing his glasses back on and picking up a piece of paper. Maybe she would take it as a hint that he needed to get back to work. Probably not, but worth a shot.

"I know. And I know you just want what's best for her. It just… kinda sucks, doesn't it?" She smiled understandingly at him. He suddenly felt like agreeing with her. He took the glasses back off because, hell, it didn't work and pinched the bridge of his nose.

Letting out a sigh, he stared at Catherine and shrugged pathetically. It's not like she wouldn't see right through him anyway.

"It's how it's gotta be. I'll live. Don't worry about me," Grissom said and placed the pads of his fingers together. "Besides, he's a nice guy. Terrific CSI. I'm glad she's happy. Really."

Even he thought he sounded affected. But Catherine seemed to accept the fact that she wasn't getting anywhere.

"Okay. Well, that's all I wanted to know. How you were with it," Catherine said as she made her way back to the door.

"Fine…"

"You sure you don't want to get breakfast?"

"I'm sure. Thank you."

She nodded and left without another word. It had been several hours since he had seen Sara. Grissom thought that the drive back would be a good time to get everything out in the open, but the fates wouldn't allow it. While they were processing the house, Grissom was requested to tend to a dead body where there was a lot of insect activity. He left alone, while Sara caught a ride with Brass.

Now he sat in his office finishing up a bit of paperwork before heading home. He didn't know where Sara was at the moment, but he hoped she would come knocking on his office door before she left for the day. A few more minutes and he would go looking for her. Just a few more minutes.

A few minutes turned into forty-five and he looked at his door. It was completely ajar. He imagined Sara leaning against the frame like she had done so many times before. She didn't do that anymore and Grissom wondered briefly if there was some sort of symbolism to be found there.

He gathered his briefcase and left the building. As he slipped his sunglasses on and looked up, he found Sara leaning against the door of his vehicle and he smiled at her as he approached.

"How long have you been standing there?" he asked.

"Not long. I was going to leave, but I saw you coming out."

It made him feel good that she had waited for him. It meant she cared about what he wanted to say to her. His confidence came back full force.

"You hungry?"

"No," she answered instantly. Grissom chuckled a bit to himself and shook his head slightly. She didn't want to socialize. She wanted to know what the hell was going on with him.

"Yeah, neither am I." Actually, he was.

They both stood silent, staring at each other through the veil of sunglasses. It was kind of awkward, but not really. Finally Grissom broke the silence.

"You want to do something?"

"What?"

"Anything," he answered with a shrug.

"Right now?"

"Well, yeah."

_When else? _

She let out a laugh and he smiled nervously. His stomach was in knots.

"I guess it depends on what we do. I, uh, I have plans later," she told him. He noticed she sounded nervous.

"With John?" he asked with as much good-nature he could muster. It wasn't much to be honest. Really, he didn't know why he asked. He didn't want to know.

"Uh, yeah. With John," she replied and ran her hand threw her hair. She looked even more nervous.

_John. Should have known. _

"Well, that's that then," he said with a nod. He could feel a headache creeping up the back of his head.

"What do you mean, 'that's that' Grissom?" she asked calmly. But he could tell she was biting back irritation.

He decided to play cool. It was a defense mechanism. He knew that but he did it anyway.

"You're going out with John so you can't do something with me," he said evenly.

"I said I'm doing something with John later. I'm free now," she replied with the irritation she had been fighting.

Grissom couldn't believe he had to spell this out for her, especially since the conversation earlier had occurred. She was a very intelligent woman. The only solution was that she was doing this intentionally. But then again, he couldn't see Sara Sidle as the type of woman who tortured men with head games. But if she wanted to play hard to get she was more than entitled.

He let out a long sigh and leaned on the car right next to her. He wasn't looking at her, but his arm was grazing hers. That was no accident.

"Look, Sara. I'm too tired to beat around the bush…"

"Thank God," she interrupted.

He rolled his eyes, but only because he had sunglasses on. "I, doubt I will be able to completely enjoy myself with you knowing that, ah, you are going to be spending time with John… later on in the day… you understand what I'm saying?" he asked quietly. His eyes squinted behind his glasses and sweat beaded on his forehead. He ran his hand through his hair and over the back of his head nervously.

_My God, it's hot out here. _It really wasn't.

Her eyebrows shot up but she didn't answer. Probably surprised by the raw honesty he was providing. He was pretty surprised himself.

_I should probably be a bit clearer about this. I owe here that. _

Grissom rolled up his sleeves and continued, "It would, uh… totally negate my intentions."

Slowly, she pulled her sunglasses off her head and turned to look at him.

"Grissom…" she started and let out a nervous chuckle. "What are your intentions?"

He had anticipated that question but he really didn't know how to answer. After all, his intentions regarding Sara weren't really clear to him either. He wanted to be with her. He turned his body to her as well and took off his glasses, hoping his eyes would do some of the talking. They were the window to his soul after all.

"I'm trying…" he looked around and suddenly realized where he was. He grimaced as he saw a familiar form approaching.

_John. Oh my God. You can't be serious. There is no way… Does this guy have some sort of radar?_

John gave a friendly wave and Sara turned to see what Grissom was looking at. He saw her stiffen a bit and lift herself from his car. He could feel the scowl on his face but he didn't _want_ to wipe it off. He was really annoyed with this guy now. John was a good fifty feet away and Grissom wondered if he could spit out what he needed to say to Sara before he approached. He decided against it and John walked up next to Sara. Grissom cleaned his face of the grimace and nodded hello at John. John nodded back politely.

"Hey, there. I didn't think you would still be here," he said to Sara as he placed a hand on her shoulder lightly. She blushed and looked at Grissom uneasily.

Grissom clenched his fist and bit the inside of his cheek. She looked _guilty_ but it was probably all in Grissom's head.

"We were just… um," she gestured to Grissom with her hand "Wait, what are you doing here?"

"Oh, I forgot my novel in my locker. Can't sleep without reading first."

"Yeah, I'm the same way," she said with a crooked smile. It wasn't real though. Grissom could tell. That was probably all in Grissom's head too. He slipped his sunglasses back on, perhaps to shield his eyes from John. He didn't want him peaking through his window.

"You came all the way down here to get your _novel_, John. Where are you staying again?" Grissom asked with an amused grin. Maybe he wanted to make John look silly; maybe he just wanted to be a part of the conversation. Well, that's what he told himself anyway. Sara shifted uncomfortably and John looked at her, unfazed and shrugged.

"The Embassy Suites. It's not that far. I didn't have anything to do anyway."

All Grissom could do was nod. John had a good attitude. He really didn't want to dislike him. He really was a good criminalist and a good guy. He really was.

_If only you weren't dating the love of my life, John._

The tension was becoming unbearable as a bit of silence passed. John must have felt it too, though he didn't let on.

"Well, I'm gonna go," John finally said and turned to Sara and lowered his voice almost intimately. Grissom could feel the scowl returning and he rolled his eyes. "I'll see you tonight?"

Grissom could see Sara swallow hard as John's hand trailed lightly from her shoulder over her back. Grissom realized he was still biting the inside of his cheek and the faint taste of iron slid over his taste buds.

Sara smiled lightly and nodded to John. He turned to Grissom and smiled.

_This guy smiles way too much. It's ridiculous, it really is. _

"See ya, Grissom."

"Goodbye, John," Grissom replied, not bothering to sound cheery.

With that, John walked away leaving Sara and Grissom alone. He really didn't know how to get back to where they were. The moment was once again gone and he was lost for words. After what he said, Sara still agreed to go out with John that night. Her mind seemed to be made up. That was it. There was no way she didn't get it.

He dug into his pockets for his keys and let out a painful sigh. Sara folded her arms over her chest and sighed as well.

"I'm gonna go," he finally said. He wasn't trying to be cool this time. He really did want to go. Clincher being that… well, he wanted her to go with him.

Sara lifted her hands and let them drop.

"Grissom… I don't know what to say."

Grissom thought a moment and after realizing he had nothing to say either, he decided to quote. That's usually how it went. He chose the bible.

"Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh."

She laughed humorlessly and dropped her head. "Yeah, the heart doesn't know what to say either."

He wanted to be frustrated with her, but he had no right to throw stones. He knew what his heart was saying years ago, he just never listened and that was worse than not knowing. Maybe that's what she was doing now.

_I need to stop half-assing this. If there's any time to be forthcoming with what I'm really thinking and feeling, now is that time. Gil, just do it. _

"Sara, don't, um…" he looked around again before continuing.

_Oh, to hell with where we are. John is probably going to come out of that door any minute now. Just say what is on your mind. God, Gil. Come on._

"Don't what?" she asked him softly.

"Don't go out with John. Go out with me," he paused and lowered his voice, "please." He knew how desperate he sounded and couldn't care less. She threw her head back a little bit and breathed out. He couldn't help but admire her form as she mulled over what he said.

"I… damn it, Grissom. Talk about perfect timing."

Grissom threw a look over his shoulder, expecting to see John walking back to them, but no John was to be found. He realized she was referring to _his_ timing and nodded in acknowledgment. It was true. His timing couldn't be worse.

"I just…can't Griss. I can't do that. I don't know… I don't think it would be a good idea," she told him clumsily, but with a gentle voice. She shook her head and her facial expression was dismal. It looked like she was going to be sick or cry. A long silence ensued because Grissom was truly speechless.

_Just like that. Game over. _

Although Grissom was never one to be persistent with women (he just never had the confidence with them) he wanted to ask why. Why wouldn't it be a good idea? Why had she changed her mind? Did she suddenly agree with the reasons he had established years ago? It would hurt way too much to hear that. Way too much. He realized he would rather walk away knowing he had at least tried to reach out to her. If she didn't think it was a good idea, so be it. So be it.

After a long pause, Sara continued, "It's just..."

He realized quickly she was going to explain herself. He didn't want to hear it. He didn't _need_ to hear it. It wasn't a matter of being stubborn. It was just better this way.

"No," Grissom interrupted, "It's okay. I understand."

"Let me explain, Grissom."

"You don't need to explain yourself to me."

Sara's face contorted and she rolled her eyes at him. She looked angry and frustrated. He was rejected and embarrassed. He wondered how hard it would be to end this conversation so he could go home and take his migraine medication. He needed sleep. He needed food. And he wanted some alcohol.

Sara was staring at him, shaking her head. Grissom continued, "And to be honest, I would rather you didn't."

"You're impossible," she said a little too loud and threw her hands up in defeat.

"I'm just trying to make this easy."

Sara's eyes darted past Grissom and she rolled her eyes again. "Damn it."

"What?" he asked and turned. John was standing at the door talking to someone on his way out. Sara looked back at Grissom urgently.

"Okay, look, I'm not going to argue with you, Grissom. If you don't want to listen to _me _then perhaps this really wasn't all that important to you in the first place."

_No, no, that's not it. Damn it. Why can't anything ever go smoothly for me? Because you complicate things, Gil. That's why. _

"Sara…"

"I'm gonna go before John comes back. Have a good day, Grissom. I will see you tonight," she added.

_She's really angry with me. What have I done? This isn't important to me? I can think of nothing more important. _

Sara looked at him briefly, perhaps anticipating words from him. But he had none. She exhaled sharply and turned on her heels, starting towards her car.

He realized he had been staring at the pavement beneath him and his head snapped up to see her walking away. His insides were twisting and his chest felt heavy. A different kind of anxiety was threatening to attack him and he squeezed his eyes shut. He massaged his temples and counted to ten. The headache that probably would have gone away had Sara said "yes" was now doubling in magnitude.

_This can't be it. No way. I need to get out of here. If I see John smile one more time, I'm pretty sure I'll say something I'll regret. I need a drink. _

Things couldn't have possibly gone worse.

He opened his car door and sat down inside. After closing it he leaned over and rested his head on the steering wheel. His head ached, yes. Badly. But it was nothing compared to the ache in his heart.

_You messed up, Gil. You messed up._


	8. Intentions: Chapter 8

**Intentions (Part Two)**

_A/N: This was initially broken into two separate stories because point of view shifts around a bit, but I thought it might be easier to keep all of the chapters together. It's all about consolidation. Thanks for reading!_

* * *

CHAPTER EIGHT 

Sara toyed with the spaghetti on her plate absent mindedly. She had been quiet all night, mulling over her situation with Grissom. She wondered what he was doing and kind of hoped he would call her. She wouldn't call him. No way.

"Sara, you okay?" John finally asked her. She looked up and faked a smile.

"I'm fine," she said sweetly, taking a sip of wine.

_Liar._

"Really? You look… distracted. Usually you're so talkative," he said uneasily, "I mean, I don't want to sound paranoid, but it would kill me if I were boring you." He laughed and leaned back in his chair, trying to relax.

Sara shook her head a bit and waved her hand at him, swallowing the food in her mouth. She didn't want John to think she was bored. But he had gotten it right. She was distracted. Very distracted.

_Damn, Grissom. Why did you have to throw that curveball at me?_

"I'm not bored. I was just thinking. I'm sorry."

A moment passed and John looked her over. Nodding, he asked, "What are thinking about?"

Sara opened her mouth to answer. She wondered how he would react if she told him the truth.

_How nice of you to ask John. I'm thinking about Grissom, you know, our boss, and how much I love him. Oh and the fact that he asked me to ditch you so he could take me out. I said no, of course. Did I mention I love him?_

She decided against that and quickly skimmed her brain for a more appropriate answer.

_Yeah, a lie._

"I lost something. I was just thinking about where I could have put it." She inwardly rolled her eyes at herself.

_That was lame. God, I hope he drops it so I can start acting normal. "Acting" being the key word here._

Sara smiled at him and waved her hand again. Hoping he would get the message about dropping it, she continued talking, "I'm back now. So, how was your day off? What'd you do?"

John seemed to accept her answer and he loosened up.

"You mean my _night_ off?" he chuckled, "No, it was… it was okay. I read and watched TV. I mean, what can you do during those hours, you know? Nothing's open."

Sara nodded and tried to formulate a response so she didn't look distracted again.

"What do you do? You know, on your nights off?" he asked her.

Sara smiled, mostly to herself.

_Nights off. Funny._

"I don't take time off and if I happen to get time off I usually go in anyway," she said with a shrug.

"Ah, workaholic."

"Pretty much."

"Well, I like taking time to relax, but I'm having a hard time getting used to this schedule."

Sara took a moment to think about this because she had forgotten he didn't actually live in Vegas and he wouldn't be here forever. From the moment she met John, they had shared an undeniable attraction. It was strong compared to the other men sprinkled throughout her life over the past few years. Well, other than Grissom. Obviously, other than Grissom. She loved Grissom. Not only was she physically attracted to Grissom, but she was attracted to him in every way a person _could_ be attracted to another person. It was both disconcerting and invigorating.

Until very, very recently she had just accepted that she would be attracted to Grissom forever and she'd just have to live with it. She didn't like dating other men knowing she would rather be with Grissom, but it was how it had to be because Grissom just wasn't interested in trying to make it work. And she was exhausted of hoping he would change his mind.

So, she would date other men in hopes of forgetting about Grissom. It never really worked, but with John, it worked a little. Except tonight.

"It takes a while to get used to. When I first got here, I hated it. But I guess you'll be heading back to Atlanta in a few weeks anyway, so…"

He grinned at her, but didn't answer.

"What?" she laughed, "What are you smiling at?"

"You."

Smiling, Sara rolled her eyes and blushed. She really didn't want him to go, but then again, wouldn't make things easier with Grissom?

_Yeah, like anything will ever be easy with Grissom._

"What about me?"

"Nothing," he smiled paused. "But… I might not be heading back to Atlanta after all."

_Uh, come again?_

"What do you mean?" she asked, confusion stamped on her face. John chuckled and swallowed his wine.

"Well, Conrad has offered me a position here in the Vegas lab. A permanent position. I haven't accepted yet, but I'm thinking about it."

It was at this very moment, Sara realized that she did indeed want him to go back to Atlanta. And she felt absolutely awful about it. She _could_ stop seeing him. They had only been dating for a few weeks. But it wasn't about that. Once again, her thoughts drifted back to her interactions with Grissom earlier that day. He had asked her to go out with him instead of John and she had said that she didn't think it would be a good idea. She had a reason. She wanted to explain it to Grissom, maybe give him a chance to deny it. But he wasn't having it.

_Instead, he acted like a petulant child._

He really had been acting strange over the past few weeks. Asking her to breakfast, showing up at her house unannounced. It was so unlike him. His behavior hadn't been lost on Sara, but for the most part she chopped it up to jealousy. But jealousy didn't mean he wanted a relationship. Jealousy just meant he was possessive over her, a fact that didn't settle well with her. She had never found jealousy endearing in the least bit.

And not to mention the whole situation with Nick. He was probably mulling over his immortality, consequentially going through some sort of mid-life crisis. Everyone was dealing with it differently. He was probably just feeling lonely and Sara couldn't shake the feeling that she was just… a _convenient_ way to alleviate those feelings. She didn't want to think of Grissom as someone who would do that, but he was only human after all. He might not even realize he was doing it.

In which case she would become invested and he would realize he didn't really want it and break her heart…

No, she wouldn't begin something with him under terms like that. Not because he was jealous or because he was going through a mid-life crisis. Not because she was convenient.

So if John was out of the picture and Grissom still felt the same, she could rule out jealousy. That would be good. But if he stayed, she would never know if Grissom's actions stemmed from love. Love. She didn't know if Grissom loved her. She knew he was attracted to her. But love is hard to gauge in a man like Grissom. He's so closed off. And damn good at hiding his feelings.

Sara rubbed her forehead. _God, I'm getting a headache thinking about this_

"Sara?" John said waving a hand in front of Sara's face, "You spaced out again."

She shook her head and looked at him seriously.

_Damn it. I'm going to kill Grissom for dropping that bomb on me and climbing back into his shell. Typical. Typical Grissom!_

"Sorry. So, you're still thinking about it?" she tried to bring the conversation back to where it was and hoped John wasn't getting paranoid again. Though, he really had reason to be.

John exhaled and continued, "Yeah. Day shift has a spot open."

"Wow. That's great," she tried to sound enthusiastic but was disappointed at the end result. He probably was too because he gave her a crooked smile and looked down at his plate.

"Maybe, we'll see. It's a pretty big life change."

Before she could stop herself, Sara scoffed and replied slowly, "Boy, don't I know."

John looked up from his plate, eyebrows raised.

"Yeah?" he asked with a grin, clearly wanting to hear her story.

Sara sighed and wished she hadn't said that. She just couldn't keep it in.

"I came here from San Francisco. I worked the day shift there, so I know how hard it is to get used to working grave."

"Why'd you come here?"

_Oh, so many reasons…_

"A rookie CSI was shot on the job and Grissom needed an objective investigator. He trusted me, so he called me."

She didn't want to linger on her past with Grissom and hoped he wouldn't inquire more about it. Mainly because _she_ didn't want to think about Grissom anymore, let alone talk about him. But also because he witnessed the tension in the parking lot earlier that day and probably already suspected something was going on between them. She didn't want ideas in his head. However true they may be.

"Oh. So you've known Grissom a long time?"

_Shit. Curious people drive me up the wall sometimes. _

"Yeah…"

_Well, no, not really. I don't really know Grissom. _

This made her think about the conversation in the car.

"_I've missed my chance, haven't I?"_

"_My chance to, uh…my chance to… to know you, Sara."_

John snapped her out of her reverie. "So what happened?"

"With what?"

"The rookie."

"Oh, yeah. She, um… she died shortly after being shot."

A silence ensued and John nodded sadly.

"But why did you stay?"

_Because I had a gigantic crush on Grissom and hung on his every word. Yeah, I probably shouldn't say that._

"Uh, well… they needed a CSI to fill the position," she answered vaguely.

He raised his eyebrows at her and picked up his glass to take a sip.

"Yeah, but you said you hated it here in Vegas. Why stay? They could have found someone else."

She was aware that he was fishing now. Maybe she was just being paranoid, but it was starting to irritate her. She wondered if she just offered up what he obviously wanted to hear, he would drop it. Then again, what did he want to hear?

_How can I make it sound like my motivation was strictly professional…_

"Grissom personally asked me to stay, so I did. I liked working with him. I've learned a lot from him," she paused, "I still do," she answered reluctantly looking down at her plate.

_Not bad, not bad._

John nodded and pursed his lips. Leaning back in his chair, he laughed quietly. Sara looked up curiously.

"What?" she said, copying his grin.

John stared at her affectionately and leaned back in to her, closer than he had been before.

"It's just… I've only known you for a few weeks but I think that if…," he chuckled and looked away for a moment then back at her, "I think that if _youme_ to stay, I think I would." asked

He winked and leaned back again. Sara was lost for words.

_What do you say to something like that? Shit. I'm in trouble. _


	9. Intentions: Chapter 9

CHAPTER NINE 

Grissom sat at the bar and ran his finger around the rim of the small glass in front of him. He was slightly drunk and feeling much worse than he had before. Brass was supposed to meet him at the bar, but he had called and canceled, leaving Grissom alone to drink his cares away. He knew that didn't work, but he did it anyway.

_She's out with John right now. She's probably kissing him. He's smiling because that's all he knows how to do._

It was probably better that Brass wasn't there. Grissom was just drunk enough and just miserable enough to pour his heart out. He downed the last of the whiskey in his glass and let the glass hit the bar top with a thunk. He exhaled dramatically and waved to get the bartender's attention. A light pressure on his shoulder alerted him and he turned slowly, brow furrowed. His eyebrows shot up at the sight of the slender brunette now standing beside him.

"Sara," he breathed out, shocked at the sight of her.

She nodded but didn't bother smiling. She never thought of Grissom as the type to drink when he was upset. But that was her fault, she supposed, for putting him on a pedestal for so long. But years ago she had taken him off the pedestal, when an innocent crush had turned into love.

She sat down on the stool beside him as the bartender filled Grissom's tumbler with Jim Beam.

"Can I get you something?" the bartender asked Sara.

"No, I'm fine."

"What, uh," Grissom started and realized his voice was rather craggy. He cleared his throat and continued, "What are you doing here?"

She looked at him with a relaxed, kind expression. She was still unable to smile, she couldn't get over how defeated he looked.

_Maybe this really has nothing to do with John or a mid-life crisis. _

"I'm not really sure what I'm doing here," she answered him honestly.

And she wasn't. Not a hundred percent sure, anyway. She had left John at the restaurant and immediately called Grissom. She cursed herself for being so weak, but really, she needed to sort this out. It's not like she could pay attention to John anyway. And he didn't deserve that.

_Well, he probably didn't deserve being left at the restaurant either without an explanation. That was pretty crappy. But what was I suppose to say? John, I have to go now because I can't get Grissom out of my head and to be honest, you pale in comparison to him. _

Grissom nodded slowly at her and lifted the glass to his mouth. He sipped it and put it back down. All the while, Sara didn't take her eyes off of him. She needed to say something. He needed to say something. This really wasn't working. She prayed he was still sober.

"'I don't know what I'm doing, either," he finally said, grimly. He chuckled and looked at her. His eyes were slightly glazed over and Sara noticed that they were a remarkably light blue. He shook his head and looked around the bar. He gestured to his surroundings and added, "It's so loud in here."

She couldn't help but laugh. He sounded like an old man, but she didn't care.

"Well, it is a bar, Griss."

"I don't even remember the name of this place," he said, his speech slurring somewhat.

"Emilio's," she answered with a smile.

_He's drunk. I've never seen Grissom drunk before. This should be interesting, though it kind of works against my reason for seeking him out in the first place. I really wanted him to be completely competent so we could talk._

"Oh," he paused and looked at her with a grin. "Wait. Did you know I was here?"

She rolled her eyes and smiled, "You think this is a coincidence?"

His face turned serious and he shook his head faintly. "No. Come to think of it, I don't believe in coincidences." Sara raised her eyebrows curiously and he resumed his thought, "I believe in fate."

In spit of herself, she let out a laugh/scoff and folded her hands in front of her.

"Now I know you're drunk," she said lightly. She wasn't being accusatory, just observing. He didn't bother denying it and shrugged.

_Yeah, I am kind of drunk. Do I really believe in fate? I guess I do. In vino veritas, after all._

When she didn't say anything else, he spoke again. "What's wrong with believing in fate? You don't believe in fate?"

The slight smile that Sara had been maintaining slid off of her face as she thought over the question.

_Actually, do I believe in fate? Doesn't matter at this juncture in time. I need to get Grissom home._

She shook her head and turned back to Grissom. "Um, I don't know. I don't think it really matters right now."

"Oh it matters," he said quickly, sounding sever and sober all of a sudden. He inhaled and paused, holding his breath. "You know what else I've been thinking about?"

Sara's throat went dry. The seriousness in his tone caught her off guard.

"Wh-What?"

_Don't say it, Gil. Yes, say it, Gil._

"I've been thinking about soul mates," he answered with a small grin. "What do you think about soul mates, Sara?"

Sara's eyes widened at his suggestive tone. He was staring at her with, God, what? Lust? Love? Admiration? What? His eyes were narrowed ever so slightly and the corner of his mouth was turned up seductively.

_Oh my God, is he ever drunk. Soul mates? Wow._

"Grissom, I think I should take you home," she finally said in a soft voice.

Grissom nodded and downed the last of his alcohol.

"Yeah. I should go home. It's a good thing fate brought you to this humble establishment. Otherwise, I wouldn't have a ride," he gave a mirthful chuckle and got up from the stool and threw money next to his empty glass. Sara stood with him and they began walking.

Grissom walked like he was sober. If it weren't for his indicative ramblings, she wouldn't have thought him _drunk_ per se. But he was.

"Actually, fate had little to do with it. I called Jim because you wouldn't answer your phone. He told me you might be here," she told him. She didn't know why she felt the need to break the mood. She was a little irritated at the situation, but not really at him.

"Oh. Yeah, he was suppose to meet me here. He got called away to work."

Sara stopped suddenly and turned to Grissom. "Do you have to work tonight?"

"You think I would drink before work, Sara?" he asked, slightly irritated by the inclination.

"You're off?"

"Yes, Sara!" he spat, a bit more cross than he had intended.

"Okay. I'm just checking," she replied calmly, not thrown by his touchy demeanor at all.

_Does she not know me at all? Wait, no, she doesn't really know me. No one really knows me. And I don't know her, really. But, God, I want to. She looks so pretty tonight. What was I saying about soul mates?_

Despite his irritation, he couldn't help but smile at her beauty. It was a beauty all her own. He had never seen it in anyone else but her.

_She looks so beautiful … all of the time. I really do love her. _

He almost told her that.

"Griss!?"

_Why haven't I told her that?_

Grissom realized he was staring at her and she was waiting for him to get in the car. She laughed and shook her head in disbelief.

"You gonna get in?" she asked. Not annoyed. Rather amused, actually.

He got into the car and buckled his seatbelt, then resumed looking at her.

"What? Why are you staring at me?" Still amused. Not annoyed… yet.

He grinned stupidly and licked his lips. "So am I to assume that because you don't believe in fate… you don't believe in soul mates either?"

She pursed her lips and started the car. Leaning back, she sighed and smirked at him.

"Well?" he asked with a raise of his eyebrow.

"I didn't say I didn't believe in fate," she finally replied steadily.

_I might have to give that some thought later, actually. The soul mates, too._

Grissom cocked his head and his crooked grin widened. The answer was vague, but acceptable for the time being.

"Now, are you going to go on and on about soul mates all night?" she ribbed.

"No."

"Okay."

"Okay," he agreed and leaned back in the car, relaxing a bit. Silence passed and he couldn't help but turn and look at her again.

He wondered about John, something he hadn't done up until now. He wanted to ask what happened to John, but he decided against it. Because right now, she was sitting beside him and driving him home. All that mattered was at this very moment, she wasn't kissing John. That's all that mattered.

_--------------------------------------_

"Hey, Grissom. Wake up. We're here," Sara whispered softly in the small car, careful not to startle him. Grissom had fallen asleep on the way back to his house. His head was leaning against the window and his face was relaxed. She could swear she saw a slight smile and wanted to lean in even closer to get a better look, but decided against it. She was already pretty close to him. Instead, she rubbed his shoulder gently and he stirred. His eyes opened slowly as he turned to look at her and she watched as his eyes roamed over her face for a moment.

"You're beautiful," he whispered without even thinking about it.

Sara's eyes widened and she almost laughed.

_Grissom would never say that sober. I mean, he kind of said I was beautiful once, but that was in a roundabout Grissom way. Not like him to be so direct. It's a little unsettling, but kind of nice._

"I wanted to tell you that earlier," he paused and exhaled, "But I didn't."

Sara didn't know what to say. He would probably regret verbalizing his thoughts and she kind of hoped he wouldn't remember. But not really. He honestly didn't seem _that_ drunk.

"Thank you, Grissom," she whispered back, grinning. She didn't want the mood to get too serious. Not now. She should probably change her proximity, but she couldn't move. She was pretty damn close to him.

"You're welcome."

Neither of them moved. She was close enough that if he moved up four inches, their lips would be locked. He wanted to do it. God he wanted to do it, but he couldn't move.

_Just do it, Gil. Where did you get the courage to tell her she's pretty? Where the hell did that come from, anyway? The heart. And that was well received. But a kiss is different. Just four inches away. Go. Okay. _

Right when he decided to move toward her, Sara slid back and offered him a crooked smile. She wasn't backing away from his attempts; she honestly didn't know he was going to kiss her.

"Come on. Let's get you inside."

_Damn it! _

In spite of himself, he smiled at the situation. He almost just kissed Sara. And he realized… he would try it again. He really would. Sighing, he opened the car door and got out.

"I'm really not that inebriated, Sara," he said evenly.

"I'm just going to make sure you get inside."

"How'd you know where I live?"

"I've been here before, remember?"

Grissom thought a moment and remembered vaguely that she _had_ been here, years ago. He nodded and slid his key into the door. He reached around and cut the light on as they walked inside. Sara looked around curiously, but didn't move past the foyer. He walked into the kitchen and opened the fridge for a bottle of water. Closing the fridge door, he looked at her and gestured to the living area.

"Why don't you come in?" he asked casually. He really didn't know _how_ he could be so casual. Maybe he _was _that inebriated after all.

She shook her head and smiled.

"No. Thank you, but I'm gonna go."

"Why?"

"Because I think that you are…" she paused to formulate how to say it without sounding condescending. "I think you are just drunk enough to say… or do… something that you will regret. That's really not what we need right now."

He agreed, actually. But that didn't mean he didn't want her to stay for a while. He wanted so badly to be near her.

"Yeah," he finally said, nodding slowly, "Maybe."

"So, why don't you go to bed, you're obviously tired, and call me when you wake up so we can go pick up your car," she suggested with nonchalance.

_Keep the mood light. Light. And leave. But I don't want to leave. But you have to. Go before it gets too complicated. When isn't it complicated?_

Grissom sighed and took a swig from his water. He rolled his neck around to lessen the tension. She was sticking to her resolve. He wouldn't get her to stay here with him, so he might as well give up and get some sleep. Maybe he would have the same courage when he was sober.

"Okay," he finally said reluctantly. "Thanks for driving me home."

She nodded and smiled gently. "You're welcome. Call me later. Don't forget." You pointed at him and grinned playfully.

_There's that damn smile again. How am I supposed to sleep when you keep smiling at me, Sara? Tell me._

Grissom couldn't help but chuckle.

_Forget to call you? That's funny. You're a funny woman._

He almost said that, too.

"I won't forget."

With that, Sara pulled the door open and stepped outside. Grissom watched from the door as she got in her car and drove away. He sighed and smiled to himself. Hours ago, he wouldn't have guessed the night would end with him almost kissing Sara. He prayed to God he would have the same courage when he was sober. He would try again. He really would.


	10. Intentions: Chapter 10

CHAPTER TEN 

Sara sat on her couch hugging a plush decorative pillow and staring at the wall. She couldn't sleep. Her mind was too alive to rest. Her body was pretty alive, too. She hadn't completely recovered from being so close to Grissom in the car. He looked like he might have kissed her, but she had pulled away. She didn't mean to. She would have kissed him. But then again, it was probably best that they hadn't. She didn't want her first kiss with Grissom to be a drunken one. She wanted it to be more real than that.

She couldn't go to sleep, anyway. She was waiting for his call.

A faint rap on the door jerked her from her trance and she briefly wondered if that was him.

_That can't be him. He doesn't have a car._

She walked over to the door and peered through the peephole.

_Shit! It's John. I forgot to call him._

Sure enough, John stood at the door nervously rubbing his hands together. He looked horrible. She felt horrible. Her mind had been so consumed with her situation with that damn entomologist that she had completely disregarded John's feelings. She thought about how she had left him at the restaurant and cringed…

"_It's just… I've only known you for a few weeks but I think that if…," he chuckled and looked away for a moment then back at her, "I think that if you asked me to stay, I think I would."_

_Sara paused and looked down at her plate, not wanting him to see the alarm in her eyes. She paused way too long._

"_Sara?"_

_She looked up, "Yeah?"_

"_I didn't mean to shock you with that. Sorry," he said uncertainly. His face turned red and he twisted the napkin in his hand nervously._

_She stared at him, mouth slightly agape. "You didn't shock me. It's okay."_

"_You sure?"_

"_Yes," she tried for a smile and succeeded. "I'm flattered."_

"_Okay," he said slowly. "Sometimes I'm a little too open with my feelings," he laughed and relaxed noticeably. _

_She looked back down at her plate and began playing with the spaghetti noodles. Open with his feelings. She wanted to laugh at the wicked irony. It was quite a contrast to Grissom. A complete and utter contrast. Maybe that's why, despite the fact that she never found it endearing in Grissom, she couldn't find it endearing in John._

_She realized that if Grissom had been the one to tell her he would stay in Vegas for her… she would be blushing and grinning instead of looking down at her plate, playing with her food._

_I can't stay here and lead him on. I can't be here. I cannot get that man off my damn mind. Ugh!! I'm getting a headache. _

_She couldn't do this to John. She really did like him. She sighed to herself and looked up. She smiled and he smiled back. He had a gorgeous smile._

"_I have to go, John. I'm sorry," she said quickly._

_His eyebrows came together suddenly and his mouth opened. He was struggling with words._

"_Is this about what I just said?" Sara shook her head. "Because, really, Sara. Don't take that too serious. That was just me telling you that I like…" he paused and searched for the perfect way to put it, "I like spending time with you."_

_Sara stood up and put her coat on. "That isn't it. Believe me. I'll call you later."_

_John stood up with her, but didn't put his coat on. He looked confused, and rightly so. "Will you tell me what's going on so I don't have to worry?"_

_She started walking away. "You don't have to worry. I'll call you later," she said gently and headed to the door. She pressed number two on her speed dial and waited for the answer._

She was embarrassed of her behavior and she thought about ignoring him. But the thought was fleeting as she was never one to shirk responsibility. She opened the door and looked at him uncomfortably. The muscles in her face wouldn't let her smile.

"Thank God you're awake!" he said without preamble.

"I'm so sorry I didn't call you, John. I know I said I would."

He chuckled and gave her a crooked smile. "Yeah, you did. It's been like six hours. I started getting worried."

She sighed and shook her head at herself. "There's no excuse for what I did. Come in. Please."

"I called you a few times," he said as he walked in.

Under normal circumstances she would have found it a bit obsessive, especially since they had only been dating a few weeks. They didn't really know each other that well. But her behavior probably warranted this kind of reaction. She cringed at her conduct once again. Then she wondered why she didn't get his calls.

_Where the hell is my cell phone? Shit. Grissom is going to call and I don't think he even has my home number. What if he already called and he thinks I'm avoiding him? Shit, shit, shit!!_

Absent mindedly, she began glancing around the room trying to spot her phone.

"I don't know where my phone is," she told John as she rooted through her purse.

"Did you try calling it with your house phone?"

"No. But I didn't hear it when you called me," she paused and thought a moment. "I might have dropped it in my car."

"I'll help you look," he said as she opened the door and walked outside quickly.

She unlocked her car and opened the door and she could hear ringing. The phone was stuck between the center console and driver's seat.

"Well that's a coincidence, someone calling you," John said as he dug it out for her. "Here."

"I don't know this number," she mumbled and opened the phone. "Sidle."

_--------------------------------------_

Grissom finally crawled into bed and went to sleep at about 10:30pm. He awoke five hours and forty three minutes later with a dull pounding behind his eyelids and a dry mouth.

But he remembered everything. He remembered almost kissing Sara. He remembered telling her he thought she was pretty.

_That was kind of lame. She's not just pretty. She's more than pretty. _

And he remembered that he was supposed to call her when he woke up. He was hesitant about it, but he did after all need his car and she had offered.

_But she might have felt obligated. Even so, I don't want anyone else knowing I got drunk last night. Calling a cab would be ridiculous. Sara might be offended. She might think I'm avoiding her. No, I'll call her like she asked. _

He promptly removed himself from the bed and took a quick shower. He thought about eating but realized he could offer to buy Sara breakfast or lunch or…whatever.

_You know, to thank her for taking care of me last night. _

He picked up his house phone and dialed from memory her cell phone number. He didn't know her house number. While he waited for her to pick up, nervousness started to settle in and he wondered if he really did remember _everything_.

"Sidle," came the answer after the third ring.

His face lit up at the sound of her voice.

"Hi." She didn't answer and he wondered if she recognized his voice. He did after all call her with his house phone. "It's Grissom."

"I know. Um, Just a second," she finally said. She sounded out of sorts and paranoia began flicking Grissom in the back of his head.

_She's probably just in the middle of something. I hope she wasn't sleeping. She didn't sound asleep._

He waited for what seemed like minutes, though only seconds passed and she came back.

"Can I call you back in a few minutes?" she asked. She didn't sound very thrilled about it.

"Uh, yeah. Sure," he replied, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible.

"Okay, bye."

And she hung up leaving Grissom very confused and paranoid.

_Stop over thinking everything. She asked you to call. Chill out._

_--------------------------------------__  
_

Sara hung up the phone and looked at John. He was leaning against the car with his hands resting on the roof. She tried to guess what he was thinking, but his face was indifferent. One of his eyebrows shot up and he licked his lips. She realized she was making absolutely no effort to hide her discomfort.

"Well, I guess I should leave you to that call," he finally said and closed the door to her car. He was obviously upset by her cryptic behavior.

"John, I really am sorry about last night. I shouldn't have done that."

"Why did you?"

Sara didn't know what to tell him. She could lie, but she couldn't think of a good enough lie to excuse her behavior. He saw her struggling to answer so he spoke. He wasn't smiling and his face held a seriousness she had only seen him use while he was working.

"I like you. I really do. I think we get along great and we have a lot in common. Up until last night, I thought things were going really well. I shouldn't have said what I said. It was overload, I know…"

"John, honestly. It wasn't that," she interrupted calmly.

_Well, it kind of was. But I probably would have left whether he said that or not._

"Then, what? I mean, I know I'm probably being a bit excessive... coming here and all… but I really was worried. And I really want to just clear the air here so things aren't awkward at work."

She opened her mouth to speak but he smiled at her genuinely and continued, "Look, if you don't want to see me anymore, it's okay. Really. Just be straight with me here so I don't have to wonder."

An out. Is this what she wanted? Well, yes. But she hadn't planned it. She hadn't been thinking about how she would break things off with him. But she knew. Even if things didn't happen with Grissom, she knew it wasn't possible with John.

He was perfect for her, but he wasn't Grissom.

_How do I say this?_

She looked at the pavement and exhaled. He was waiting for her to speak. He was _wondering_. She looked back up with a dreary expression. She couldn't form the words and she realized how Grissom must have felt all the times he just… remained silent.

John sighed and nodded at her silence. He smiled sadly and stuffed his hands in his pockets.

"Well, you're silence speaks volumes…" he said. He didn't sound angry, but perhaps a little disappointed.

"I'm sorry," she said gently. She really was sorry.

"It's okay. It was fun while it lasted, right?" His smile widened. She couldn't tell if he was faking it so she decided to take it at face value and smiled back.

"Yeah, it was."

It hadn't lasted long, but she felt like she had known him for years. That's what made this so hard.

"It isn't because I bore you, is it?" he asked teasingly.

She shook her head and laughed, "No."

"Okay. As long as you weren't bored."

"No, I wasn't."

He moved closer to her and enveloped her in a light hug. She hadn't expected it, but it felt nice. He pulled away and winked at her.

"I'll see you tonight at work, then," he stated and walked to his car. She waved goodbye to him and started towards her apartment.

"Hey!" he called back and she spun around. "Is it Grissom?"

Her eyebrows shot up in alarm and she opened her mouth immediately to deny such a thing.

_What? How the…_

"Wait!" he shouted and threw his hand up. "Don't answer that. I don't wanna know."

He chuckled and ducked into his car. He drove away leaving Sara shocked and, in spite of herself, slightly amused.

_Bravo, John. Bravo._

She chuckled to herself and shook her head. Her life really could be quite amusing at times. A guy finally came along that she would allow herself to be with, despite her feelings for another man, and finally that other man decides he wants to be with her. And the guy is so understanding. Still so nice. Still smiling.

For some reason, it didn't worry her that she was so transparent. She was still worried that Grissom's motivation was wrong, but it would kill her if she never knew… really never knew. Especially after pining away for him for all those years.

She was glad she didn't pine away for him anymore. Pining was painful. She still loved him, of course, but she had given up on him. Well, that wasn't exactly right. Truth be told, she never really gave up on Grissom. It was more a loss of expectations. A jaded line of thinking that made her wonder how a man who she hadn't so much as _kissed_ could make her feel so worn out over men.

Yet she still loved him. Intensely. She had for the longest time and she couldn't remember what it felt like not to love him. It was as familiar to her as breathing.

But now he had thrown this curveball at her and she needed to find out just how serious he was. If he was just doing all of this out of jealousy then she would know. Because she would make him explain to her just what his intentions are. No more stalling. No more interruptions.

She opened her phone and dialed Grissom back.

_--------------------------------------_

Grissom sat on his couch with a glass orange juice in one hand and his phone in the other. His thumb rested tentatively on the talk button as he awaited Sara's call. He hadn't felt like this since high school when he asked out a girl for the first time. He had picked up the phone six times before actually dialing and he remembered distinctly how sweaty and nervous he was. How clammy his hands had been. He could multiply that by about a hundred. That's how he felt at this moment. Because he hadn't loved that girl. If she had said no to him, he hadn't much to lose. He loved Sara. He had everything to lose.

The phone rang and it startled Grissom. As soon as he registered what the noise was, he pressed the button and quickly put his ear to the phone.

"Hello?"

"Hey, it's me. Sorry about that," she answered. Her tone had changed from ten minutes ago. Whereas then she had sounded uneasy, now she sounded normal. Not cheery, but not dismal. It assuaged his paranoia.

"It's okay. Did I catch you in the middle of something?" He took a sip of the orange juice because she was waiting far too long to answer.

"Uh, kind of. John was here."

_Oh._

"Oh."

_Why did she even tell me that? There can be only one good reason why she would tell me that. _

"Griss, I know what you're thinking…"

"No, it's okay. It's… not my business."

"Just, let me talk," she said irritably and let out a sharp sigh.

"Okay," he answered meekly.

He thought about how ironic it was. Usually she was interrupting _him_ and walking off before he could even think of what to say. He hated it. So he shut up.

"Okay. Look, John was over here because he was worried about me last night. I forgot to call him," she said calmly.

_So? How is this supposed to negate my thoughts?_

Sara continued after a brief pause, "Wait, do you remember last night… at all?"

"Of course. I wasn't that drunk. I told you that."

"Well, I left John in the middle of dinner… to come find you… I wanted to see you."

Grissom's lip curled into a smile and his stomach did a flip. That meant something.

"Anyway, he was worried because I didn't answer my phone. But he's gone now and if you're ready I can come pick you up."

He didn't answer. He was still thinking about her leaving John. To come find him. She wanted to see him. That felt good, and he didn't feel bad for John at all.

_She wanted to see me._

"Grissom? You there?"

"Oh, yeah. Sorry," he paused to think about the question she had apparently posed.

"Are you ready?"

"For what?"

She laughed, even though she should have been annoyed. "For me to come get you. You're car, remember?"

_OOOOH! Oh, yeah. Way to go, pal. Doofus._

"My car. Of course. Um… sure. Yeah, come on over."

"Okay. I'll be there in like…. twenty minutes."

"See you soon," he said in an intimate tone of voice. He just felt like it. She had left John. To come find him. In the middle of dinner.

_Actually, poor John. He really is a nice guy. Maybe I do feel a little bad for him. It's not his fault he's caught in the crosshairs of our extremely complicated relationship. _

"Okay," she said, suddenly sounding very pleased or delighted. He couldn't decide. But it wasn't dismal and it was a notch above normal.

He hung up the phone and began preparing a monologue.


	11. Intentions: Chapter 11

CHAPTER ELEVEN 

Gil Grissom was pacing in his living room while he waited for Sara to arrive. His hands were scratching through his beard, then up to his hair, then back at his beard. He was nervous. What an understatement. He figured if he decided what he was going to say to Sara before she got there, it would be much like giving a lecture. He would memorize what he was going to say, spill it out, then look up to see if she raised her hand and asked a question. But really, he knew it would be nothing like that. Not so easy.

Because when he was lecturing, he knew what he was talking about. He oozed confidence. Now, he was going to tell Sara how much he loved her and he knew absolutely nothing about it. It was a feeling that he had a hard time putting into his own words. Sure, he could use William Shakespeare or John Donne's words, but he knew damn well she wanted _his_.

_I'm just gonna tell her. I'll just say, Sara, I love you. And I'll apologize for being such a coward in the past. I'll just lay it all out there and hope to God she forgives me and… I don't even know what to expect. I just hope she doesn't ask me exactly what I want. I want her. I know that. But… oh my God, she's here. Holy hell. Okay. Okay. Sara I love you, please forgive me. Damn it. That just isn't good enough. I'll have to wing it._

Grissom smoothed out his hair one more time for good measure and flexed his hands before touching the door knob.

_Here goes._

He opened the door to see Sara Sidle propped up against the railing casually. Her sunglasses rested atop her head and a faint smile was on her face.

"Hi… Sara," Grissom said shakily. She saw him swallow.

Sara wanted to laugh. He looked… well, he was a wreck. He looked nervous and out of sorts. Quite frankly, it amused her. She wasn't nervous or anything. She just wanted to talk to him, get it out of the way so they could move on from the weird place they were in. She was pretty good at talking things through. He was horrible at it when it came to personal issues. But before she had even left her house she made a pact with herself. She wouldn't do this for him. _He_ was the one who had started acting strange and asking her to cancel her date with another man for him. _He_ was the one getting drunk and talking about soul mates. _He_ was the one who made her second guess her decision to let him go. It was his call. The ball, as ever, was in his court. She just needed patience… and she had plenty of it nowadays.

"Hey…. You okay?" she asked with a smile as if nothing was abnormal. Nothing weird had transpired between them. It was her turn to play cool.

"I'm fine. Are you?"

"Yeah." She nodded as an awkward silence passed between them. Grissom just stared at her and she began to feel uncomfortable under his gaze. Sara cleared her throat suggestively. "Um… you ready to go, or…"

Grissom snapped out of his trance. "Oh. Yeah. Right. Let me, um… just let me get my keys."

"Sure." She giggled silently as he ducked back inside. She couldn't help it. A befuddled Grissom was an amusing Grissom.

The ride was painfully silent. Sara shot him questioning glances, but he just looked ahead with a fixed expression. His deep thought expression. Sara thought the conditions were ideal for him to speak up. They didn't have to look at each other. It was quite the advantage for him.

But he didn't want to have this conversation in the damn car. Sara could take the silence no longer and decided casual conversation was the way to go. To loosen him up, if nothing else.

"So… did you sleep alright?" she asked him. He sucked in a breath and raised his eyebrows, obviously startled by the sudden intrusion on his thoughts.

"Yeah. I slept about six hours."

"That's good."

"Did you?" He asked quickly, wanting to avoid an awkward silence. He wanted to forgo the banal conversation and talk about more interesting things, like…. her. But not yet. He hoped they wouldn't start talking about the weather.

Sara wondered if she should lie or not. She didn't really want him knowing she didn't sleep. He would probably assume it was because of him and their circumstances. He'd be right of course, but her pride got in a way for a reason she couldn't explain.

"I got a few hours in… you know…" she answered nonchalantly.

Grissom waited a moment and responded honestly, "I probably wouldn't have slept if it weren't for the alcohol. And the fact that I hadn't slept the day before." He didn't really mean to say it, but it was certainly true.

He hadn't been sleeping well since Nick's kidnapping anyway, but the whole thing with Sara really added to the problem. So, he wouldn't have been able to sleep. He would have been tossing and turning thinking about what he was going to do with his life… with Sara… with everything really. Thoughts of his future generally bled into thoughts of Sara… then bled right back into thoughts of his future. He thought in circles because he never had a clear enough solution to put his mind at enough ease to rest.

Sara was surprised by his statement because of what it implied. He wasn't being specific, but she was no dummy. She knew what he meant.

_Man, now he's being honest about it and I just lied._

"Actually, I lied," she blurted out. Grissom turned to her with a questioning gaze and she looked at him and shrugged. "I didn't sleep. I had a lot on my mind."

Grissom looked ahead again and remained silent. He could tell she wanted him to bring it up. She was waiting.

_Not quite yet. This has to be done right. I can't just say "I love you" and BAM! Everything changes. Even I know it doesn't work that way._

Somewhere else. Not here in the car. Somewhere where he could look at her, and her at him. Somewhere deep down he realized that it wouldn't quite _work_ if she couldn't look at him and see it in his eyes, written all over his face. She would never believe just how deeply he felt for her. His words would be too commonplace. And he refused to use someone else's words this time. He was surprised at how he actually _wanted_ to be vulnerable. It was kind of liberating and he began to get antsy.

_Where the hell is this place? It feels like we've been in this car for days._

"Where was my car again?" he asked with a frown. She laughed and looked at him, shaking her head a little. "What?" he asked.

"Ya said you remembered _everything_ about last night…"

And he suddenly realized he might not have. It was possible. Wasn't it? He remembered telling her she was pretty. He didn't kiss her did he? Shit, what if he did? No, he would _definitely _remember that. Oh yeah! He was going to kiss her. She pulled back in the nick of time. That's right. No, he remembered everything he said to her. There were no gaps.

_Seriously, though. Where the hell is my car?_

"Grissom?"

"I do remember last night. I just can't remember what bar I went to," he told her, more than a little nonplussed. "Why can't I remember what bar I went to?" he asked himself rhetorically and looked at her to find her smiling, obviously biting back laughter. "What's so funny?"

"I just…" she laughed and glanced over at him. "I'm just remembering last night, that's all. You were… amusing," she said carefully.

"Well, glad I could entertain you," he bit back sarcastically.

"Oh, come on, Griss… you were a cute drunk," she pursed her lips and gave him a flirtatious grin. If it had been her style, she would have winked at him.

Grissom felt very warm and couldn't contain the smile any longer. He rolled his eyes and shook his head.

_I have got to kiss this woman._

"…going on and on about fate and soul mates," she added, waving her hand in the air.

"Yeah, sorry about that. I get pensive when I'm drunk," he said with a shrug.

"You're pensive when you're sober."

"True. You could say I come to…interesting realizations that I hadn't really had before."

"What do you mean?"

He took a breath in and continued slowly, "Well… I never really believed in soul mates… per se. At least I never _thought_ I did." He turned his head slowly to her. "Maybe I really do."

She turned to him reflexively. The corner of his mouth turned up and he winked. Sara's jaw dropped a little before she could catch it and goose bumps crept over her skin. She almost swerved in the road.

_Whoa! Where the hell did that come from? He just did a complete one-eighty._

The air in the car seemed very heavy all of a sudden.

A silence passed and Grissom was thinking about where his car was again. It hit him and he clapped his hands together, smiling at his tiny victory. It startled Sara and she looked at him, and amused expression on her face. He looked back at her and pointed his finger.

"Emilio's!"

She nodded and laughed again. She couldn't believe she was laughing and smiling as much as she was. But she was and it felt good. And he was smiling too. She didn't see that too often, really.

They pulled into the small, near-vacant lot of Emilio's and Grissom's hand rested on the door handle.

"Okay, here we are," Sara said flippantly. Too flippantly.

"Here we are…" he reiterated slowly, looking at her intently, waiting to see if she would speak. Her face was blank.

_I really am patient, Grissom. And I am not doing this for you. If I have to, I can act like it never happened All of it. I've gotten quite good at it._

She imagined him with the proverbial "ball." He was bouncing it on the "court" slowly for them both to see. Maybe he was waiting for her to take it because he sure as hell didn't know what to do with it. Or did he?

_Well, sports aren't really his thing…_

She laughed inwardly at her musings and cursed herself for using such an old chestnut.

Her eyebrow involuntarily raised itself. She wasn't going to say a damn thing. He conceded to the fact that it was _all_ him. He had a lot of things to say and he was going to have to say them... even if he had no clue how. It was amazing, really, how the nervousness he had felt twenty minutes ago was now almost completely gone. It was alarming in the best way possible. He sighed and opened the door. She broke eye contact the moment the door opened, but he still looked at her. He couldn't take his eyes off of her.

"Follow me," he said quietly. Kind of seductively, though he wasn't sure if he had meant for it to be.

She looked back at him, surprised, not sure if she heard him.

"W-What?"

"Follow me with your car. I want to take you somewhere."

He had something resembling a smile on his face and his tone was low. Kind of intimate. Kind of… entrancing. His gaze was certainly entrancing. Or maybe it was the assertiveness. It was sexy, actually.

"Okay."

She didn't ask where.


	12. Intentions: Chapter 12

CHAPTER TWELVE 

"So… Lake Mead. Why'd you bring me here?" Sara asked Grissom as they got out of their cars.

"You'll see. Follow me," he said with a small grin and he began walking away from the dirt parking lot they were standing in.

She shook her head and smiled, but followed suit as directed. She would follow him anywhere, really. Even if he had taken her to the gates of Hades to battle Cerberus himself. Oh, well.

_Well, it's hot enough out here to be Hades. _

They walked close to the shore of Lake Mead and Grissom said nothing. He didn't even look at Sara. Maybe he was nervous, but he didn't show it. Sara figured it wouldn't make much sense to chat. It would ruin whatever mood they had found themselves in.

They were slowly climbing up-hill over the dark rocks that peppered this side of the shore. When they approached a steeper hill, Grissom stopped and exhaled. He looked over his shoulder with a corner of his mouth turned up in a smile.

Sara smiled, "I'm following you…"

He pursed his lips seriously and looked her over. "I know. It's a little rocky. Just making sure you're wearing the right footwear."

She rolled her eyes playfully, walked past him and grabbed his right hand to pull him. "Come on!"

She didn't keep hold of his hand, but let it drop after he moved. But Grissom's heart fluttered all the same and he suddenly felt rather nervous again. Never mind, he had to press on. What would happen would happen. He was following her now up the craggy hill. They reached the precipice and Sara looked down. Grissom watched as her eyes became the size of saucers.

It was an overlook of the lake and a small cove on the side. There wasn't much vegetation, but the color of the water was a beautiful green-blue. From atop the cliff, it looked a lot cleaner than it probably was. There were no boats or jet skis. No people at all. Only them and mother nature.

He had already seen the view; he was looking at Sara. She looked back at him and smiled. It was right then that he realized just how much it meant to him that she appreciated what he appreciated. That she appreciated _him_.

"This is a beautiful view, Grissom."

He nodded and looked out at the water. "Yeah, I know. I come here sometimes after work to unwind. There aren't usually people here at eight or nine in the morning, so it's quiet."

She said nothing but continued to take in the view. Her face was relaxed in a sort of complacent smile. She loved it when he shared little parts of himself with her. It really never happened and she couldn't remember the last time it did. She was very happy.

"We could climb down to that cove if you want," he suggested and jerked his head towards the small cove below them. It sounded like a good idea and she was in an adventurous mood. Plus, this was altogether a rare experience.

_I've got to soak in as much as I can of this. Even if it means twisting my ankle in the process._

"Sure, I'm up for it," Sara replied cheerfully and began descending the cliff carefully.

"Don't fall," Grissom called behind her.

"Yeah, yeah," she replied and grinned back at him.

After careful sliding and stepping, they ended up on the dusty shore of the small cove and Sara looked out admiringly once again. It really was a beautiful view.

"Hey, pull up a rock," Grissom joked and sat down on a large stone beside the water.

She bit her lip and sat down beside him on the rock. She sat down close enough to feel the heat radiating from his body. Sure, it was slightly magnified. He wanted to grab her hand while they enjoyed the seclusion together. He wanted to… he wanted to kiss her. That's what he wanted to do.

"Sara?"

"Hmmm?" Sara didn't turn her head from the rocky view but Grissom was looking at her, acutely aware of every hair moving in the slight wind, every breath she was taking, every blink her eyes made…

"May I kiss you?"

_Whoa! Did I just ask that? _

She smiled and waited a moment to turn and look at him. He appeared calm and not in the least bit nervous, but his hands betrayed him. They were placed on either side of him, pressing down on the rock so hard his fingertips were turning white. She didn't want to torture him, but she was hesitant. Could he kiss her? Yeah. He could. Her heart said that, but her head was telling her to wait. Just wait.

"I'd, um. I'd really like to kiss you," he added timidly, suddenly very conscious of the question he had just posed. Had he even planned on asking that? Oh well, didn't matter. He had.

_Okay, why isn't she answering me? Am I supposed to just go in for it, or… is that a 'no'. What's going on, here?_

She sighed evenly, and her eyes turned serious. "I don't know," she finally responded softly.

_Oh, here we go again. This woman is going to make me cry. I haven't cried in years._

Sara picked up a small rock and lifted herself from the one they were sitting on. She walked to the edge of the water. She wasn't trying to be theatrical or anything, but she realized… kissing Grissom was kind of a big deal. And she wanted to do it knowing that the air was cleared. She needed to know that this wasn't just a passing fancy. If it was… she wouldn't want to kiss him. She didn't think she would be able to stop herself. She heard Grissom give a tense exhale and she turned around to face him. He was leaning over, his elbows resting on his thighs. But he was watching her every move with a still expression. He had his "thinking face" on, she noticed. Probably not a good thing really so she needed to go ahead and clear up her response.

"I don't want you to think I don't _want_ to kiss you. That's not it."

"Well, what is it then?" he asked calmly.

"It's just…" she started and cringed because, really, she didn't have a clue how to say it. His eyebrows went up questioningly. "Okay, I'm a little worried about something."

Grissom cocked his head to the side and his eyebrows drew together."What are you worried about?"

"I'm… I'm worried about how this…" she waved her hands in the air for effect, " …came about."

"Oh."

"For years I waited and waited for you to come around and now, suddenly another guy is in my life…"

Grissom didn't know what to say. He couldn't lie. He had been jealous. But his feelings for her stretched far beyond ideas of possession. He would have done this, gone through these awkward motions, whether John was present or not. John's presence just kind of… altered his approach. He was suddenly quite grateful for the swift kick in the ass. But he was also angry at the timing. The horrible, hapless timing.

"…And anyway, I don't know…. How do I know this… this, whatever it is, didn't come about because you realized someone else is sitting in your seat?" She was talking nervously with her hands and not looking at him. "I have to know if that's the case. To protect my _own_ heart. That's," she sighed and looked down to her feet, biting her lip. "That's what worries me, Grissom."

She felt fretful; her thoughts and words seemed scattered to her. She hoped to God he got it. He had to get it.

Grissom shook his head quickly and got up from the rock to stand beside her. He had to dispel this notion now or never. Completely.

"Sara…" he stood in front of her and grabbed her shoulders lightly. She was still looking down, fiddling with the rock in her hand. She had to look at him. If the eyes were the window to the soul then this would be a testament. "Hey, look at me."

She raised her head slowly to meet his eyes. They really were a remarkable color. And they were gentle. He was looking at her tenderly. What a side of Grissom to see. She wondered who else had seen such a side to him. She watched as he licked his lips and took in a breath.

"Sara, I…" he paused and swallowed hard. It wouldn't come out. Why wouldn't it come out? Why was it so damn hard to say how he was feeling? "I… feel very deeply for you."

Sara's face relaxed and she listened on. That was quite a thing to hear from him, but he didn't seem satisfied with it himself. He winced and shook his head lightly.

"No… that's not quite right. I mean, I do, but it's more than that."

She smiled as he stumbled over his words. He ran a hand over his beard and thought about it. He thought about the actual _feeling_. He thought about how he _felt_ when she wasn't around and he _so_ wanted her around. How it felt when he realized he might never be with her. It ached horribly. It was emotional and physical. That's it. That's what it was.

"I ache for you," he said in a low tone. It sounded beautifully sad and it got a reaction. Her mouth opened somewhat and her eyes widened a little bit. All in all, she was speechless. "I ache for you," he repeated and shrugged. What else to say, really? Well, surely there were many things.

Sara cleared her throat and a faint amount of water gathered in her eyes. Grissom reminded himself that he still had things to say.

"It's strange really," he added with a small chuckle. "It feels awful but _incredible_ at the same time. It's… it's a very strange feeling. I've never felt it for anyone else, what I feel for you. I've felt it for a long time."

Sara wiped her eyes and smiled. She had never heard him voice something with such emotion. "You have?"

"Mmhmm." Grissom nodded and continued, "I have. But I've been… I've been such a coward. And… I know something about protecting your own heart. It's hard work."

"Yeah," Sara replied and laughed.

"I don't want to do it anymore," Grissom said in an almost whisper. "It's exhausting."

Grissom's tone surprised Sara and awakened her in a way she hadn't been before. He was serious. This was serious. He was really there, in front of her, telling her these things. It was beautifully bewildering. She closed her eyes and took a moment to accept the reality of it all. When she opened them, he was still looking at her. Unashamed, persistent. Vital. He took a breath and grinned at her, something she hadn't expected.

Grabbing her shoulders again, a bit more firmly, he opened his mouth to say something and paused.

_Oh, say it, Gil. This is one thing she needs to hear. Say it! Say it! Wow, I have never said this to anyone. Well, besides my mother. But that's a different love. This is incredibly intimidating. To hell with sky diving. Falling in love is oh so much scarier._

He let the breath out slowly. "Sara Sidle…" She urged him with her eyes. He tightened his grip on her shoulders only slightly. "I am… I am in love with you."

_Oh my God. I did it. That wasn't that bad, really. The look on her face! She hadn't expected that at all._

She hadn't expected a declaration of love. She knew he had feelings for her. That was nothing new. It was beautiful that he had told her he "ached" for her. She would have kissed him for that. This was… oh she was speechless. Should she say it back?

At any rate, he felt a great weight had been lifted from him, as if it had been some mighty secret that he now shared with someone else. Well, actually… it was exactly like that. So he felt better. Whatever happens now… happens. He could at least say he got this far. It was a great feeling really and it assuaged any nervousness or doubts he had.

"So you see, this has nothing to do with John Garrett," he added with an impossible nonchalant tone.

Sara smiled and bowed her head. She picked her head back up and gave him a slightly seductive grin.

"Okay then. Yes." She threw the rock she had been holding into the water and rubbed her hands together to knock the dirt off.

He cocked his head curiously. "Yes? Yes what?"

"Yes… yes you may kiss me," she answered.

"Oh."

She didn't need to tell him twice. He grinned and bowed his head to meet her lips with his. It was gentle and small at first. But the electricity from it was astounding. Grissom deepened it and brought his hands up to either side of her neck. He moved them up to her hair and grasped lightly at the locks as his tongue slid across her bottom lip. He heard a faint whimper as her mouth opened and their tongues met and passion overtook them instantly. They kissed fervently for minutes, but soon enough oxygen became necessary. They pulled away reluctantly and slowly. Grissom rested his forehead against hers as they caught their breath. He smiled, no, he beamed. And so did she.

"Oh, you have no idea how long I have wanted to do that," Grissom whispered breathlessly, still not able to keep the smile down.

Sara pulled back a little bit and laughed. "Oh, I haven't?" She laughed again and added, "I think I have some _vague _idea."

He pursed his lips and gave a quick laugh before catching her lips again.

And again.

And again.

_The End._

* * *

Thank you very much for reading this. I really enjoy hearing what you guys have to say so any feedback at all is quite valuable to me. 


End file.
